Today I got a call from my husband, who said that one of the rabbis from the Beit Din told him we will not be approved for the conversion unless we live in a community which has a daily minyan. This wouldn't ordinarily be an issue, except for the fact that 2 families in our future community are leaving - including the rabbi! We aren't sure if that will mean a daily minyan is possible. Right now, our future is at stake and, as we are doing it far apart from each other, the stresses are high on both ends. My husband is managing work, the house, the dog, bills, and everything else I used to do by himself.
And then there's me. I had a revelation today. While speaking to my grandma on the phone, it suddenly hit me that I am no longer playing music, not taking care of my family, not sleeping in my own bed, and generally have thrown anything remotely close to my old life out the window. Everything has been replaced by class, studying, and hiding out in my room. Or wandering aimlessly through my new town. Any way you look at it, I am DIFFERENT than I used to be. It's not just the religious aspect of it. I LOVE praying in the morning, going to class, and going to synagogue. Truly. It's just that without my own place and my husband, I feel a bit like a robot, programmed to convert and that is the sole mission. My goal is to find some kind of work - babysitting, part-time retail, whatever - just to get my mind off of all this stuff for a few hours a week. I can't have a meltdown this early in the game!
On a side note, something funny happened to me today. I was wearing one of my new scarves out today, trying to gauge how I would feel in non-synagogue areas. I was on the phone with my mom, spilling my guts about how lost I felt, when my eye caught the Starbucks that was inside the Target (of course I was in there, it's my guilty pleasure/obsession store). I went over and over in my head if I should buy something there, unsure if it was kosher or not (but guessing not), but did it anyway. I wanted a chocolate chunk cookie like nobody's business. So, I went to eat it, and the moment I was finished, I felt something tap my back. At first, I thought someone was behind me, but then quickly realized my scarf was coming unraveled! I ran to the bathroom to fix it, and all the while got curious stares from the women coming in and out.
Part of the reason I've decided to wear the scarf again today was that I felt it would be a push in the direction to stay away from non-kosher places. Like any normal, depressed girl, sometimes you just want to eat something bad for you. Because I am literally surrounded my Jewish people in this area, I put the scarf on purpose today because I could never imagine what another religious Jew might think if they saw me walk into a regular eating establishment. So, as if it were some kind of colossal joke, after I was done eating my cookie, my scarf tumbled down. Curious.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Immersion... and Pictures!
Every teenager has felt that creeping nag of peer pressure, but when you're 24, they don't make cheesy school videos with kids in acid-wash jeans and mullets telling you how to deflect it.
What I'm experiencing is, I guess, not exactly peer pressure. But I definitely feel like the new girl in school who just wants to fit in with everyone else. In my shiur,most of the girls are in my situation: married, but not religiously. I think all of them still live with their husbands, whereas I do not anymore, so at least I have that going for me. All of them, however, DO cover their hair.
At first, I was seriously against covering my hair before my Jewish wedding. Unlike many young women (I think), I was looking forward to covering it. Just not right now. I wanted to wake up, the day after our wedding, and put a mitpachat on for the first time. I spoke to my teacher, Sara, and she said that I should just start doing it for class and Shabbat...when I'm ready. I can also wear hats (which I have already) just to get used to having something on my head. So, yesterday after class, I bought a $5 black scarf from her and went home to try it.
Now, I've tried tying scarfs and tucking my hair into hats - in the privacy of my own home - just to see if I could handle the idea of covering all of my hair. It terrifies me yet excites me at the same time. Kind of like being strapped into the seat of a roller coaster. Anyway, I wrapped up my hair into the scarf and, lo and behold, I loved it.
I was so excited by my reaction to the scarf, I ran out to do some shopping. Did I mention I live just down the street from Marshall's, Ross, Old Navy, and Home Goods? It is indeed a problem for a cheapskate like me, who has a crazy obsessive love for shopping but must buy cheap as dirt. Anywho, I bought two beautiful scarves at Marshall's (a solid 12.99 a piece) and one at Old Navy for 12.50. Here is one of them from Marshall's:
What do y'all think?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Argh.
Please excuse this post, as I will be using it as a means to vent.
Last night was my fifth night sleeping here, and I must say, the nights seem to be getting worse and worse. My room is comfortably sized, has decent lighting, nice furniture, TV, my laptop, and a bathroom right next to it. So, what are the problems, you might be asking? First of all, what some of you may not know is that many homes in the Miami area do not have carpeting (one of my huge thrills about moving back to Orlando was the return of carpet at home). This means the entire home is covered in large white tiles. And when your host family has a guest, and small children in the home at 7 a.m., their words echo into every nook and cranny of the house.
Every morning I have woken up with a tension headache, possibly due to the very old pillows on this bed. I bought a brand new one to take with me but it isn't doing the job, either. Purchasing a new comforter may be in order too. The one they've given me is kind of a crinkly, faux satiny-thing and all of the stuffing is clumped up on the insides. That means the corners are filled with huge chunks and it pulls itself off the bed in the middle of the night.
I apologize for all the complaining, but it's so difficult for me to be in someone else's home and then feel awkward that the accommodations are not, well, very comfortable. My friend in Orlando reminded me that I don't have to feel as if I'm walking on eggshells, because they are technically not doing me any favors - I'm paying them monthly rent, so I DO have a right to be here. I just feel like it would hurt their feelings if they saw me coming in with shopping bags of all new stuff to replace what they've laid out for me. Am I wrong in complaining and feeling so uncomfortable? Or is it ok to make myself at home without worrying about what they think?
Last night was my fifth night sleeping here, and I must say, the nights seem to be getting worse and worse. My room is comfortably sized, has decent lighting, nice furniture, TV, my laptop, and a bathroom right next to it. So, what are the problems, you might be asking? First of all, what some of you may not know is that many homes in the Miami area do not have carpeting (one of my huge thrills about moving back to Orlando was the return of carpet at home). This means the entire home is covered in large white tiles. And when your host family has a guest, and small children in the home at 7 a.m., their words echo into every nook and cranny of the house.
Every morning I have woken up with a tension headache, possibly due to the very old pillows on this bed. I bought a brand new one to take with me but it isn't doing the job, either. Purchasing a new comforter may be in order too. The one they've given me is kind of a crinkly, faux satiny-thing and all of the stuffing is clumped up on the insides. That means the corners are filled with huge chunks and it pulls itself off the bed in the middle of the night.
I apologize for all the complaining, but it's so difficult for me to be in someone else's home and then feel awkward that the accommodations are not, well, very comfortable. My friend in Orlando reminded me that I don't have to feel as if I'm walking on eggshells, because they are technically not doing me any favors - I'm paying them monthly rent, so I DO have a right to be here. I just feel like it would hurt their feelings if they saw me coming in with shopping bags of all new stuff to replace what they've laid out for me. Am I wrong in complaining and feeling so uncomfortable? Or is it ok to make myself at home without worrying about what they think?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Online Synagogues
I came across this article, and could not help but write my feelings about it.
The woman who wrote this is Rabbi Laura Baum, who leads OurJewishCommunity.org. She is also a rabbi in Ohio. What struck me immediately is the title of the article, "Why I lead an online synagogue". As someone who is slowly immersing herself in a very real Jewish world, I wanted to know what this online synagogue was all about.
Baum says that because social networking is how hundreds of millions of us are connecting these days, it seems only natural to allow Jewish people to come together online for services - including holidays and Shabbat. "We maintain so many of our personal and professional relationships online. So why would our religious involvement be any different?", says Baum. She claims that making the "trek" to brick-and-mortar synagogues creates a "barrier" in our increasingly busy world.
What Baum says is, essentially, true. Yes, our world is evolving and, yes, many of us use social networking to stay in touch with loved ones, or even just old college acquaintances. But how can this possibly be compared to the real-life Jewish community? My answer is that it cannot.
First of all, I understand that Baum is not an Orthodox Jew, so her views of Judaism are much different than mine. This is a completely different issue which needs much more attention than will be given here. Humanistic and Orthodox Judaism, I feel, are two separate worlds. In any case, Baum is encouraging behavior that is not only unnatural to Judaism, but goes against it.
Let's forget about the fact that, to even participate in one of her services, you must be using the computer on holidays and Shabbat. This is just a small issue, if you ask me. If one has a strong desire to fully commit to keeping Shabbat, eventually he or she may discontinue using electricity all together. That is praise-worthy. But the pillar holding all of this argument together is the Jewish community, and for me, I absolutely cannot see the same equivalent happening online.
Perhaps Baum feels like making the "trek" to a synagogue has gotten to be too much trouble for the modern-day Jew. After all, we have Facebook to connect us to all of our friends, so we already know what's happening with them without ever having to see them face-to-face. We have Google to answer just about any question we may have. But what Baum's synagogue cannot give people is the feeling of real companionship and family that a brick-and-mortar synagogue can give. Take Shabbat, for example. Waking early in the morning, getting dressed, walking to the beit knesset with your family. Giving and receiving hugs and kisses to all of your friends. Listening to the singing. Enjoying delicious food together. Spending the afternoon relaxing, talking, and playing with children without the distraction of IMs and television.
Baum asks why our religious involvement should be any different than the relationships we carry out in social networking websites. She says, "There’s a persistent myth that community is something that only happens in person", and that "using tools like Facebook, Twitter and Skype, are increasingly common and can even be stronger than physical connections." When someone wants to say hello in the communities I've been a part of, they come to the door. They bring their children. They visit. In the outside world where it seems most of us can't function without social networking, many conversations only happen through text messages, status updates or comments. I do believe that online correspondence can lead to friendship and a sense of community, but that is just it: it's a sense. The person who loyally comments on your blog or sends you regular emails asking about your parents' health may be very sweet. But, it is NOT the same person who will watch your kids when you can't make it through the day, or knock on the door in the morning just to drop off an article they thought you might like, or even just help you cut vegetables before Shabbat because you're in such a rush to get everything done.
It seems like Baum's synagogue is a great solution for people who do not want to fully commit to a Jewish community. They can log in and off whenever is convenient for them, and therefore have no responsibility to that community. They are able to separate Judaism, at will, from their daily lives. Her theory that the traditional synagogue is what creates the barrier between people seems backwards. For me, being able to stay at home behind a computer screen is the real barrier. Perhaps this will be the new generation of Reform, Conservative, Humanistic, and other progressive movements. Thank you, Laura Baum, but I am very happy in my real-life community.
The woman who wrote this is Rabbi Laura Baum, who leads OurJewishCommunity.org. She is also a rabbi in Ohio. What struck me immediately is the title of the article, "Why I lead an online synagogue". As someone who is slowly immersing herself in a very real Jewish world, I wanted to know what this online synagogue was all about.
Baum says that because social networking is how hundreds of millions of us are connecting these days, it seems only natural to allow Jewish people to come together online for services - including holidays and Shabbat. "We maintain so many of our personal and professional relationships online. So why would our religious involvement be any different?", says Baum. She claims that making the "trek" to brick-and-mortar synagogues creates a "barrier" in our increasingly busy world.
What Baum says is, essentially, true. Yes, our world is evolving and, yes, many of us use social networking to stay in touch with loved ones, or even just old college acquaintances. But how can this possibly be compared to the real-life Jewish community? My answer is that it cannot.
First of all, I understand that Baum is not an Orthodox Jew, so her views of Judaism are much different than mine. This is a completely different issue which needs much more attention than will be given here. Humanistic and Orthodox Judaism, I feel, are two separate worlds. In any case, Baum is encouraging behavior that is not only unnatural to Judaism, but goes against it.
Let's forget about the fact that, to even participate in one of her services, you must be using the computer on holidays and Shabbat. This is just a small issue, if you ask me. If one has a strong desire to fully commit to keeping Shabbat, eventually he or she may discontinue using electricity all together. That is praise-worthy. But the pillar holding all of this argument together is the Jewish community, and for me, I absolutely cannot see the same equivalent happening online.
Perhaps Baum feels like making the "trek" to a synagogue has gotten to be too much trouble for the modern-day Jew. After all, we have Facebook to connect us to all of our friends, so we already know what's happening with them without ever having to see them face-to-face. We have Google to answer just about any question we may have. But what Baum's synagogue cannot give people is the feeling of real companionship and family that a brick-and-mortar synagogue can give. Take Shabbat, for example. Waking early in the morning, getting dressed, walking to the beit knesset with your family. Giving and receiving hugs and kisses to all of your friends. Listening to the singing. Enjoying delicious food together. Spending the afternoon relaxing, talking, and playing with children without the distraction of IMs and television.
Baum asks why our religious involvement should be any different than the relationships we carry out in social networking websites. She says, "There’s a persistent myth that community is something that only happens in person", and that "using tools like Facebook, Twitter and Skype, are increasingly common and can even be stronger than physical connections." When someone wants to say hello in the communities I've been a part of, they come to the door. They bring their children. They visit. In the outside world where it seems most of us can't function without social networking, many conversations only happen through text messages, status updates or comments. I do believe that online correspondence can lead to friendship and a sense of community, but that is just it: it's a sense. The person who loyally comments on your blog or sends you regular emails asking about your parents' health may be very sweet. But, it is NOT the same person who will watch your kids when you can't make it through the day, or knock on the door in the morning just to drop off an article they thought you might like, or even just help you cut vegetables before Shabbat because you're in such a rush to get everything done.
It seems like Baum's synagogue is a great solution for people who do not want to fully commit to a Jewish community. They can log in and off whenever is convenient for them, and therefore have no responsibility to that community. They are able to separate Judaism, at will, from their daily lives. Her theory that the traditional synagogue is what creates the barrier between people seems backwards. For me, being able to stay at home behind a computer screen is the real barrier. Perhaps this will be the new generation of Reform, Conservative, Humanistic, and other progressive movements. Thank you, Laura Baum, but I am very happy in my real-life community.
First Shabbos in my new "home"...
Well, I just experienced my first Shabbos here. Not exactly what I was expecting, but a good time nevertheless.
On Friday night, B made a little bit of dinner for A, myself, and the neighbor woman, R. R is an Israeli/American woman who has just decided to become more religious, and she spends every Friday night here at our house. The dinner was good - I'm a huge fan of challah, hummus and salads on Friday nights, and B happened to make a delicious salad.
Saturday morning, R came over and we walked to the synagogue together. It is a Chabad House, which I was pretty excited about. I love Chabad's ideals and the way they are so open and welcoming. Lots of Jewish reading I've done over the past two years has been from Chabad. One issue, however, is the fact that my husband is Sephardic. My teacher, Sarah, told me last month that it is necessary for me to convert through Sephardic tradition so I can be the same as my husband. The problem is, the family I'm living with and my immediate community will be going to the Chabad House, but my teacher is Sephardic. My husband currently goes to a Sephardic community but shows an interest in joining the Chabad synagogue that is closer to our home. I know it may not sound so complicated - why not just go Sephardic and that's the end of it?
Well, as many of you out there may know, it isn't so simple. We want to buy a house after the conversion is completed, we marry religiously and are finally able to live together. Buying a house is a big step. WHERE we buy that house is even more important. It is where we will go to synagogue, be surrounded by a Jewish community, send our children to school, and spend, bezrat Hashem, many years of our lives. I want us to be comfortable in our choice of community. Both places are Orthodox, and both places we would be living as observant, Orthodox Jews. Is there any reason to worry that one is really better than the other? Please clue me in if there is.
I literally have nothing to do until tomorrow night, when my first class begins. That means my "quick" shopping trip to pick up the few items I forgot in Orlando will probably be dragged out quite a bit, and I will wander aimlessly around my new neighborhood. Truthfully, I am just dying to go spend more time with my new "brother" and his family. Their children are so adorable I just want to eat them up, and I already miss them after less than 24 hours of being apart. This could end up being a problem when I need to move away... :( Hopefully I will find some cool things to take pictures of today. I'll take my new camera with me and see what happens.
Shavua tov everyone!
On Friday night, B made a little bit of dinner for A, myself, and the neighbor woman, R. R is an Israeli/American woman who has just decided to become more religious, and she spends every Friday night here at our house. The dinner was good - I'm a huge fan of challah, hummus and salads on Friday nights, and B happened to make a delicious salad.
Saturday morning, R came over and we walked to the synagogue together. It is a Chabad House, which I was pretty excited about. I love Chabad's ideals and the way they are so open and welcoming. Lots of Jewish reading I've done over the past two years has been from Chabad. One issue, however, is the fact that my husband is Sephardic. My teacher, Sarah, told me last month that it is necessary for me to convert through Sephardic tradition so I can be the same as my husband. The problem is, the family I'm living with and my immediate community will be going to the Chabad House, but my teacher is Sephardic. My husband currently goes to a Sephardic community but shows an interest in joining the Chabad synagogue that is closer to our home. I know it may not sound so complicated - why not just go Sephardic and that's the end of it?
Well, as many of you out there may know, it isn't so simple. We want to buy a house after the conversion is completed, we marry religiously and are finally able to live together. Buying a house is a big step. WHERE we buy that house is even more important. It is where we will go to synagogue, be surrounded by a Jewish community, send our children to school, and spend, bezrat Hashem, many years of our lives. I want us to be comfortable in our choice of community. Both places are Orthodox, and both places we would be living as observant, Orthodox Jews. Is there any reason to worry that one is really better than the other? Please clue me in if there is.
I literally have nothing to do until tomorrow night, when my first class begins. That means my "quick" shopping trip to pick up the few items I forgot in Orlando will probably be dragged out quite a bit, and I will wander aimlessly around my new neighborhood. Truthfully, I am just dying to go spend more time with my new "brother" and his family. Their children are so adorable I just want to eat them up, and I already miss them after less than 24 hours of being apart. This could end up being a problem when I need to move away... :( Hopefully I will find some cool things to take pictures of today. I'll take my new camera with me and see what happens.
Shavua tov everyone!
Friday, October 8, 2010
I'm Heeeere!
Last night I arrived at my new home. The good-byes in Orlando were not as difficult as I expected, until I got about 5 minutes away in the car and thought of my little doggy's face (ok, big doggy) and the way her ears go back and eyebrows go up when she watches me leave the house. I definitely started tearing and choking up, but I had to stop...since I was about to get on the turnpike. Saying good-bye to my husband was also difficult, and I had to pretend that it was just for a short vacation. He rushed through it, only saying "This is weird... we better go". It was definitely weird to imagine that we are going to be apart for an unknown amount of time. So, instead of dwelling on it and making it even harder, we quickly sent each other off and that was that.
My new house is the quintessential older-couple's Israeli-American home. By that, I mean it's filled with food, drinks and decor from far-away lands. The furniture is old and beautiful, and everything has character. I like it a lot. It reminds me of all the homes I've lived in as a child, as my mother has a thing for antiques and all of our homes were Victorian. The couple I'm living with is older (late 60s-70s) and they're very sweet. The husband, A, was a musician and has a lot of instruments and books lying around. As a (former) cellist, he and I will get along quite well.
Because tonight is Shabbat, everyone is hustling around to get things ready. I'm feeling a little lost in this shuffle. My host mother, B, told me I'm getting on her nerves (her exact words) because I didn't eat breakfast and she thought it was because I'm too shy to take food. Really, my whole schedule is off now, as I have no dog to take outside, feed, play with, no husband to make coffee for and send off to work... so what am I supposed to do with myself in the morning?? I got up after not sleeping very well, took a shower, got dressed, made myself some delicious Israeli coffee (my favorite), and chatted with my host mom for a while. I suppose since I'm not working now, I will get bored very quickly. I must either find a job or throw myself 120% into my studying...well, I planned on doing that anyway.
Now that I'll be writing regularly, I'm hoping to make my blog more interesting. I'm so awkward when it comes to showing myself. There are so many cool blogs I read by Jewish women who really put themselves out there and have pictures of themselves and really just make everything interesting. I, on the other hand, feel like the social outcast type of the blogging world. Maybe when I become more comfortable doing this thing on a regular basis, it will grow and blossom into something more entertaining to read :)
So, with that, I will end my post for the day. Tonight, I'll be having dinner with my host family and tomorrow it's off to shul. I have yet to discover if this synagogue is Ashkenazi or Sephardic. B called it "shul" so I'm leaning more towards Ashkenazi...although my studies starting next week will be based on Sephardic texts and traditions. Let's see how it all works out. To be continued...and Shabbat shalom!
My new house is the quintessential older-couple's Israeli-American home. By that, I mean it's filled with food, drinks and decor from far-away lands. The furniture is old and beautiful, and everything has character. I like it a lot. It reminds me of all the homes I've lived in as a child, as my mother has a thing for antiques and all of our homes were Victorian. The couple I'm living with is older (late 60s-70s) and they're very sweet. The husband, A, was a musician and has a lot of instruments and books lying around. As a (former) cellist, he and I will get along quite well.
Because tonight is Shabbat, everyone is hustling around to get things ready. I'm feeling a little lost in this shuffle. My host mother, B, told me I'm getting on her nerves (her exact words) because I didn't eat breakfast and she thought it was because I'm too shy to take food. Really, my whole schedule is off now, as I have no dog to take outside, feed, play with, no husband to make coffee for and send off to work... so what am I supposed to do with myself in the morning?? I got up after not sleeping very well, took a shower, got dressed, made myself some delicious Israeli coffee (my favorite), and chatted with my host mom for a while. I suppose since I'm not working now, I will get bored very quickly. I must either find a job or throw myself 120% into my studying...well, I planned on doing that anyway.
Now that I'll be writing regularly, I'm hoping to make my blog more interesting. I'm so awkward when it comes to showing myself. There are so many cool blogs I read by Jewish women who really put themselves out there and have pictures of themselves and really just make everything interesting. I, on the other hand, feel like the social outcast type of the blogging world. Maybe when I become more comfortable doing this thing on a regular basis, it will grow and blossom into something more entertaining to read :)
So, with that, I will end my post for the day. Tonight, I'll be having dinner with my host family and tomorrow it's off to shul. I have yet to discover if this synagogue is Ashkenazi or Sephardic. B called it "shul" so I'm leaning more towards Ashkenazi...although my studies starting next week will be based on Sephardic texts and traditions. Let's see how it all works out. To be continued...and Shabbat shalom!
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