Today I got a call from my husband, who said that one of the rabbis from the Beit Din told him we will not be approved for the conversion unless we live in a community which has a daily minyan. This wouldn't ordinarily be an issue, except for the fact that 2 families in our future community are leaving - including the rabbi! We aren't sure if that will mean a daily minyan is possible. Right now, our future is at stake and, as we are doing it far apart from each other, the stresses are high on both ends. My husband is managing work, the house, the dog, bills, and everything else I used to do by himself.
And then there's me. I had a revelation today. While speaking to my grandma on the phone, it suddenly hit me that I am no longer playing music, not taking care of my family, not sleeping in my own bed, and generally have thrown anything remotely close to my old life out the window. Everything has been replaced by class, studying, and hiding out in my room. Or wandering aimlessly through my new town. Any way you look at it, I am DIFFERENT than I used to be. It's not just the religious aspect of it. I LOVE praying in the morning, going to class, and going to synagogue. Truly. It's just that without my own place and my husband, I feel a bit like a robot, programmed to convert and that is the sole mission. My goal is to find some kind of work - babysitting, part-time retail, whatever - just to get my mind off of all this stuff for a few hours a week. I can't have a meltdown this early in the game!
On a side note, something funny happened to me today. I was wearing one of my new scarves out today, trying to gauge how I would feel in non-synagogue areas. I was on the phone with my mom, spilling my guts about how lost I felt, when my eye caught the Starbucks that was inside the Target (of course I was in there, it's my guilty pleasure/obsession store). I went over and over in my head if I should buy something there, unsure if it was kosher or not (but guessing not), but did it anyway. I wanted a chocolate chunk cookie like nobody's business. So, I went to eat it, and the moment I was finished, I felt something tap my back. At first, I thought someone was behind me, but then quickly realized my scarf was coming unraveled! I ran to the bathroom to fix it, and all the while got curious stares from the women coming in and out.
Part of the reason I've decided to wear the scarf again today was that I felt it would be a push in the direction to stay away from non-kosher places. Like any normal, depressed girl, sometimes you just want to eat something bad for you. Because I am literally surrounded my Jewish people in this area, I put the scarf on purpose today because I could never imagine what another religious Jew might think if they saw me walk into a regular eating establishment. So, as if it were some kind of colossal joke, after I was done eating my cookie, my scarf tumbled down. Curious.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Immersion... and Pictures!
Every teenager has felt that creeping nag of peer pressure, but when you're 24, they don't make cheesy school videos with kids in acid-wash jeans and mullets telling you how to deflect it.
What I'm experiencing is, I guess, not exactly peer pressure. But I definitely feel like the new girl in school who just wants to fit in with everyone else. In my shiur,most of the girls are in my situation: married, but not religiously. I think all of them still live with their husbands, whereas I do not anymore, so at least I have that going for me. All of them, however, DO cover their hair.
At first, I was seriously against covering my hair before my Jewish wedding. Unlike many young women (I think), I was looking forward to covering it. Just not right now. I wanted to wake up, the day after our wedding, and put a mitpachat on for the first time. I spoke to my teacher, Sara, and she said that I should just start doing it for class and Shabbat...when I'm ready. I can also wear hats (which I have already) just to get used to having something on my head. So, yesterday after class, I bought a $5 black scarf from her and went home to try it.
Now, I've tried tying scarfs and tucking my hair into hats - in the privacy of my own home - just to see if I could handle the idea of covering all of my hair. It terrifies me yet excites me at the same time. Kind of like being strapped into the seat of a roller coaster. Anyway, I wrapped up my hair into the scarf and, lo and behold, I loved it.
I was so excited by my reaction to the scarf, I ran out to do some shopping. Did I mention I live just down the street from Marshall's, Ross, Old Navy, and Home Goods? It is indeed a problem for a cheapskate like me, who has a crazy obsessive love for shopping but must buy cheap as dirt. Anywho, I bought two beautiful scarves at Marshall's (a solid 12.99 a piece) and one at Old Navy for 12.50. Here is one of them from Marshall's:
What do y'all think?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Argh.
Please excuse this post, as I will be using it as a means to vent.
Last night was my fifth night sleeping here, and I must say, the nights seem to be getting worse and worse. My room is comfortably sized, has decent lighting, nice furniture, TV, my laptop, and a bathroom right next to it. So, what are the problems, you might be asking? First of all, what some of you may not know is that many homes in the Miami area do not have carpeting (one of my huge thrills about moving back to Orlando was the return of carpet at home). This means the entire home is covered in large white tiles. And when your host family has a guest, and small children in the home at 7 a.m., their words echo into every nook and cranny of the house.
Every morning I have woken up with a tension headache, possibly due to the very old pillows on this bed. I bought a brand new one to take with me but it isn't doing the job, either. Purchasing a new comforter may be in order too. The one they've given me is kind of a crinkly, faux satiny-thing and all of the stuffing is clumped up on the insides. That means the corners are filled with huge chunks and it pulls itself off the bed in the middle of the night.
I apologize for all the complaining, but it's so difficult for me to be in someone else's home and then feel awkward that the accommodations are not, well, very comfortable. My friend in Orlando reminded me that I don't have to feel as if I'm walking on eggshells, because they are technically not doing me any favors - I'm paying them monthly rent, so I DO have a right to be here. I just feel like it would hurt their feelings if they saw me coming in with shopping bags of all new stuff to replace what they've laid out for me. Am I wrong in complaining and feeling so uncomfortable? Or is it ok to make myself at home without worrying about what they think?
Last night was my fifth night sleeping here, and I must say, the nights seem to be getting worse and worse. My room is comfortably sized, has decent lighting, nice furniture, TV, my laptop, and a bathroom right next to it. So, what are the problems, you might be asking? First of all, what some of you may not know is that many homes in the Miami area do not have carpeting (one of my huge thrills about moving back to Orlando was the return of carpet at home). This means the entire home is covered in large white tiles. And when your host family has a guest, and small children in the home at 7 a.m., their words echo into every nook and cranny of the house.
Every morning I have woken up with a tension headache, possibly due to the very old pillows on this bed. I bought a brand new one to take with me but it isn't doing the job, either. Purchasing a new comforter may be in order too. The one they've given me is kind of a crinkly, faux satiny-thing and all of the stuffing is clumped up on the insides. That means the corners are filled with huge chunks and it pulls itself off the bed in the middle of the night.
I apologize for all the complaining, but it's so difficult for me to be in someone else's home and then feel awkward that the accommodations are not, well, very comfortable. My friend in Orlando reminded me that I don't have to feel as if I'm walking on eggshells, because they are technically not doing me any favors - I'm paying them monthly rent, so I DO have a right to be here. I just feel like it would hurt their feelings if they saw me coming in with shopping bags of all new stuff to replace what they've laid out for me. Am I wrong in complaining and feeling so uncomfortable? Or is it ok to make myself at home without worrying about what they think?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Online Synagogues
I came across this article, and could not help but write my feelings about it.
The woman who wrote this is Rabbi Laura Baum, who leads OurJewishCommunity.org. She is also a rabbi in Ohio. What struck me immediately is the title of the article, "Why I lead an online synagogue". As someone who is slowly immersing herself in a very real Jewish world, I wanted to know what this online synagogue was all about.
Baum says that because social networking is how hundreds of millions of us are connecting these days, it seems only natural to allow Jewish people to come together online for services - including holidays and Shabbat. "We maintain so many of our personal and professional relationships online. So why would our religious involvement be any different?", says Baum. She claims that making the "trek" to brick-and-mortar synagogues creates a "barrier" in our increasingly busy world.
What Baum says is, essentially, true. Yes, our world is evolving and, yes, many of us use social networking to stay in touch with loved ones, or even just old college acquaintances. But how can this possibly be compared to the real-life Jewish community? My answer is that it cannot.
First of all, I understand that Baum is not an Orthodox Jew, so her views of Judaism are much different than mine. This is a completely different issue which needs much more attention than will be given here. Humanistic and Orthodox Judaism, I feel, are two separate worlds. In any case, Baum is encouraging behavior that is not only unnatural to Judaism, but goes against it.
Let's forget about the fact that, to even participate in one of her services, you must be using the computer on holidays and Shabbat. This is just a small issue, if you ask me. If one has a strong desire to fully commit to keeping Shabbat, eventually he or she may discontinue using electricity all together. That is praise-worthy. But the pillar holding all of this argument together is the Jewish community, and for me, I absolutely cannot see the same equivalent happening online.
Perhaps Baum feels like making the "trek" to a synagogue has gotten to be too much trouble for the modern-day Jew. After all, we have Facebook to connect us to all of our friends, so we already know what's happening with them without ever having to see them face-to-face. We have Google to answer just about any question we may have. But what Baum's synagogue cannot give people is the feeling of real companionship and family that a brick-and-mortar synagogue can give. Take Shabbat, for example. Waking early in the morning, getting dressed, walking to the beit knesset with your family. Giving and receiving hugs and kisses to all of your friends. Listening to the singing. Enjoying delicious food together. Spending the afternoon relaxing, talking, and playing with children without the distraction of IMs and television.
Baum asks why our religious involvement should be any different than the relationships we carry out in social networking websites. She says, "There’s a persistent myth that community is something that only happens in person", and that "using tools like Facebook, Twitter and Skype, are increasingly common and can even be stronger than physical connections." When someone wants to say hello in the communities I've been a part of, they come to the door. They bring their children. They visit. In the outside world where it seems most of us can't function without social networking, many conversations only happen through text messages, status updates or comments. I do believe that online correspondence can lead to friendship and a sense of community, but that is just it: it's a sense. The person who loyally comments on your blog or sends you regular emails asking about your parents' health may be very sweet. But, it is NOT the same person who will watch your kids when you can't make it through the day, or knock on the door in the morning just to drop off an article they thought you might like, or even just help you cut vegetables before Shabbat because you're in such a rush to get everything done.
It seems like Baum's synagogue is a great solution for people who do not want to fully commit to a Jewish community. They can log in and off whenever is convenient for them, and therefore have no responsibility to that community. They are able to separate Judaism, at will, from their daily lives. Her theory that the traditional synagogue is what creates the barrier between people seems backwards. For me, being able to stay at home behind a computer screen is the real barrier. Perhaps this will be the new generation of Reform, Conservative, Humanistic, and other progressive movements. Thank you, Laura Baum, but I am very happy in my real-life community.
The woman who wrote this is Rabbi Laura Baum, who leads OurJewishCommunity.org. She is also a rabbi in Ohio. What struck me immediately is the title of the article, "Why I lead an online synagogue". As someone who is slowly immersing herself in a very real Jewish world, I wanted to know what this online synagogue was all about.
Baum says that because social networking is how hundreds of millions of us are connecting these days, it seems only natural to allow Jewish people to come together online for services - including holidays and Shabbat. "We maintain so many of our personal and professional relationships online. So why would our religious involvement be any different?", says Baum. She claims that making the "trek" to brick-and-mortar synagogues creates a "barrier" in our increasingly busy world.
What Baum says is, essentially, true. Yes, our world is evolving and, yes, many of us use social networking to stay in touch with loved ones, or even just old college acquaintances. But how can this possibly be compared to the real-life Jewish community? My answer is that it cannot.
First of all, I understand that Baum is not an Orthodox Jew, so her views of Judaism are much different than mine. This is a completely different issue which needs much more attention than will be given here. Humanistic and Orthodox Judaism, I feel, are two separate worlds. In any case, Baum is encouraging behavior that is not only unnatural to Judaism, but goes against it.
Let's forget about the fact that, to even participate in one of her services, you must be using the computer on holidays and Shabbat. This is just a small issue, if you ask me. If one has a strong desire to fully commit to keeping Shabbat, eventually he or she may discontinue using electricity all together. That is praise-worthy. But the pillar holding all of this argument together is the Jewish community, and for me, I absolutely cannot see the same equivalent happening online.
Perhaps Baum feels like making the "trek" to a synagogue has gotten to be too much trouble for the modern-day Jew. After all, we have Facebook to connect us to all of our friends, so we already know what's happening with them without ever having to see them face-to-face. We have Google to answer just about any question we may have. But what Baum's synagogue cannot give people is the feeling of real companionship and family that a brick-and-mortar synagogue can give. Take Shabbat, for example. Waking early in the morning, getting dressed, walking to the beit knesset with your family. Giving and receiving hugs and kisses to all of your friends. Listening to the singing. Enjoying delicious food together. Spending the afternoon relaxing, talking, and playing with children without the distraction of IMs and television.
Baum asks why our religious involvement should be any different than the relationships we carry out in social networking websites. She says, "There’s a persistent myth that community is something that only happens in person", and that "using tools like Facebook, Twitter and Skype, are increasingly common and can even be stronger than physical connections." When someone wants to say hello in the communities I've been a part of, they come to the door. They bring their children. They visit. In the outside world where it seems most of us can't function without social networking, many conversations only happen through text messages, status updates or comments. I do believe that online correspondence can lead to friendship and a sense of community, but that is just it: it's a sense. The person who loyally comments on your blog or sends you regular emails asking about your parents' health may be very sweet. But, it is NOT the same person who will watch your kids when you can't make it through the day, or knock on the door in the morning just to drop off an article they thought you might like, or even just help you cut vegetables before Shabbat because you're in such a rush to get everything done.
It seems like Baum's synagogue is a great solution for people who do not want to fully commit to a Jewish community. They can log in and off whenever is convenient for them, and therefore have no responsibility to that community. They are able to separate Judaism, at will, from their daily lives. Her theory that the traditional synagogue is what creates the barrier between people seems backwards. For me, being able to stay at home behind a computer screen is the real barrier. Perhaps this will be the new generation of Reform, Conservative, Humanistic, and other progressive movements. Thank you, Laura Baum, but I am very happy in my real-life community.
First Shabbos in my new "home"...
Well, I just experienced my first Shabbos here. Not exactly what I was expecting, but a good time nevertheless.
On Friday night, B made a little bit of dinner for A, myself, and the neighbor woman, R. R is an Israeli/American woman who has just decided to become more religious, and she spends every Friday night here at our house. The dinner was good - I'm a huge fan of challah, hummus and salads on Friday nights, and B happened to make a delicious salad.
Saturday morning, R came over and we walked to the synagogue together. It is a Chabad House, which I was pretty excited about. I love Chabad's ideals and the way they are so open and welcoming. Lots of Jewish reading I've done over the past two years has been from Chabad. One issue, however, is the fact that my husband is Sephardic. My teacher, Sarah, told me last month that it is necessary for me to convert through Sephardic tradition so I can be the same as my husband. The problem is, the family I'm living with and my immediate community will be going to the Chabad House, but my teacher is Sephardic. My husband currently goes to a Sephardic community but shows an interest in joining the Chabad synagogue that is closer to our home. I know it may not sound so complicated - why not just go Sephardic and that's the end of it?
Well, as many of you out there may know, it isn't so simple. We want to buy a house after the conversion is completed, we marry religiously and are finally able to live together. Buying a house is a big step. WHERE we buy that house is even more important. It is where we will go to synagogue, be surrounded by a Jewish community, send our children to school, and spend, bezrat Hashem, many years of our lives. I want us to be comfortable in our choice of community. Both places are Orthodox, and both places we would be living as observant, Orthodox Jews. Is there any reason to worry that one is really better than the other? Please clue me in if there is.
I literally have nothing to do until tomorrow night, when my first class begins. That means my "quick" shopping trip to pick up the few items I forgot in Orlando will probably be dragged out quite a bit, and I will wander aimlessly around my new neighborhood. Truthfully, I am just dying to go spend more time with my new "brother" and his family. Their children are so adorable I just want to eat them up, and I already miss them after less than 24 hours of being apart. This could end up being a problem when I need to move away... :( Hopefully I will find some cool things to take pictures of today. I'll take my new camera with me and see what happens.
Shavua tov everyone!
On Friday night, B made a little bit of dinner for A, myself, and the neighbor woman, R. R is an Israeli/American woman who has just decided to become more religious, and she spends every Friday night here at our house. The dinner was good - I'm a huge fan of challah, hummus and salads on Friday nights, and B happened to make a delicious salad.
Saturday morning, R came over and we walked to the synagogue together. It is a Chabad House, which I was pretty excited about. I love Chabad's ideals and the way they are so open and welcoming. Lots of Jewish reading I've done over the past two years has been from Chabad. One issue, however, is the fact that my husband is Sephardic. My teacher, Sarah, told me last month that it is necessary for me to convert through Sephardic tradition so I can be the same as my husband. The problem is, the family I'm living with and my immediate community will be going to the Chabad House, but my teacher is Sephardic. My husband currently goes to a Sephardic community but shows an interest in joining the Chabad synagogue that is closer to our home. I know it may not sound so complicated - why not just go Sephardic and that's the end of it?
Well, as many of you out there may know, it isn't so simple. We want to buy a house after the conversion is completed, we marry religiously and are finally able to live together. Buying a house is a big step. WHERE we buy that house is even more important. It is where we will go to synagogue, be surrounded by a Jewish community, send our children to school, and spend, bezrat Hashem, many years of our lives. I want us to be comfortable in our choice of community. Both places are Orthodox, and both places we would be living as observant, Orthodox Jews. Is there any reason to worry that one is really better than the other? Please clue me in if there is.
I literally have nothing to do until tomorrow night, when my first class begins. That means my "quick" shopping trip to pick up the few items I forgot in Orlando will probably be dragged out quite a bit, and I will wander aimlessly around my new neighborhood. Truthfully, I am just dying to go spend more time with my new "brother" and his family. Their children are so adorable I just want to eat them up, and I already miss them after less than 24 hours of being apart. This could end up being a problem when I need to move away... :( Hopefully I will find some cool things to take pictures of today. I'll take my new camera with me and see what happens.
Shavua tov everyone!
Friday, October 8, 2010
I'm Heeeere!
Last night I arrived at my new home. The good-byes in Orlando were not as difficult as I expected, until I got about 5 minutes away in the car and thought of my little doggy's face (ok, big doggy) and the way her ears go back and eyebrows go up when she watches me leave the house. I definitely started tearing and choking up, but I had to stop...since I was about to get on the turnpike. Saying good-bye to my husband was also difficult, and I had to pretend that it was just for a short vacation. He rushed through it, only saying "This is weird... we better go". It was definitely weird to imagine that we are going to be apart for an unknown amount of time. So, instead of dwelling on it and making it even harder, we quickly sent each other off and that was that.
My new house is the quintessential older-couple's Israeli-American home. By that, I mean it's filled with food, drinks and decor from far-away lands. The furniture is old and beautiful, and everything has character. I like it a lot. It reminds me of all the homes I've lived in as a child, as my mother has a thing for antiques and all of our homes were Victorian. The couple I'm living with is older (late 60s-70s) and they're very sweet. The husband, A, was a musician and has a lot of instruments and books lying around. As a (former) cellist, he and I will get along quite well.
Because tonight is Shabbat, everyone is hustling around to get things ready. I'm feeling a little lost in this shuffle. My host mother, B, told me I'm getting on her nerves (her exact words) because I didn't eat breakfast and she thought it was because I'm too shy to take food. Really, my whole schedule is off now, as I have no dog to take outside, feed, play with, no husband to make coffee for and send off to work... so what am I supposed to do with myself in the morning?? I got up after not sleeping very well, took a shower, got dressed, made myself some delicious Israeli coffee (my favorite), and chatted with my host mom for a while. I suppose since I'm not working now, I will get bored very quickly. I must either find a job or throw myself 120% into my studying...well, I planned on doing that anyway.
Now that I'll be writing regularly, I'm hoping to make my blog more interesting. I'm so awkward when it comes to showing myself. There are so many cool blogs I read by Jewish women who really put themselves out there and have pictures of themselves and really just make everything interesting. I, on the other hand, feel like the social outcast type of the blogging world. Maybe when I become more comfortable doing this thing on a regular basis, it will grow and blossom into something more entertaining to read :)
So, with that, I will end my post for the day. Tonight, I'll be having dinner with my host family and tomorrow it's off to shul. I have yet to discover if this synagogue is Ashkenazi or Sephardic. B called it "shul" so I'm leaning more towards Ashkenazi...although my studies starting next week will be based on Sephardic texts and traditions. Let's see how it all works out. To be continued...and Shabbat shalom!
My new house is the quintessential older-couple's Israeli-American home. By that, I mean it's filled with food, drinks and decor from far-away lands. The furniture is old and beautiful, and everything has character. I like it a lot. It reminds me of all the homes I've lived in as a child, as my mother has a thing for antiques and all of our homes were Victorian. The couple I'm living with is older (late 60s-70s) and they're very sweet. The husband, A, was a musician and has a lot of instruments and books lying around. As a (former) cellist, he and I will get along quite well.
Because tonight is Shabbat, everyone is hustling around to get things ready. I'm feeling a little lost in this shuffle. My host mother, B, told me I'm getting on her nerves (her exact words) because I didn't eat breakfast and she thought it was because I'm too shy to take food. Really, my whole schedule is off now, as I have no dog to take outside, feed, play with, no husband to make coffee for and send off to work... so what am I supposed to do with myself in the morning?? I got up after not sleeping very well, took a shower, got dressed, made myself some delicious Israeli coffee (my favorite), and chatted with my host mom for a while. I suppose since I'm not working now, I will get bored very quickly. I must either find a job or throw myself 120% into my studying...well, I planned on doing that anyway.
Now that I'll be writing regularly, I'm hoping to make my blog more interesting. I'm so awkward when it comes to showing myself. There are so many cool blogs I read by Jewish women who really put themselves out there and have pictures of themselves and really just make everything interesting. I, on the other hand, feel like the social outcast type of the blogging world. Maybe when I become more comfortable doing this thing on a regular basis, it will grow and blossom into something more entertaining to read :)
So, with that, I will end my post for the day. Tonight, I'll be having dinner with my host family and tomorrow it's off to shul. I have yet to discover if this synagogue is Ashkenazi or Sephardic. B called it "shul" so I'm leaning more towards Ashkenazi...although my studies starting next week will be based on Sephardic texts and traditions. Let's see how it all works out. To be continued...and Shabbat shalom!
Monday, October 4, 2010
Countdown...
It's Monday night, and technically, I was supposed to be moved out by now. Luckily, my host family needed a few more days (they just got back from vacation), so I'll be arriving at their house on Thursday of this week.
In the time that I've been busy NOT blogging, I've been prepping for my absence here at home. After getting a free 60-day membership at BJ's Wholesale Club, I've already been there multiple times gathering goodies like a squirrel before winter. It also helps they are the only place in the surrounding area that sells kosher challah. Spending time with my dog has also been very important. I feel so guilty about going, and it's hard to convince myself that I'll be back frequently enough that she won't forget me.
Another thing I've been working on is building an arsenal of modest clothing. Up until this point, I've dressed modestly, that is, for modern standards. I've been wearing skirts for two years, and generally wear tops that have either a modest neckline or longer sleeves...now I'm just buying shirts that ONLY have both. Before Rosh Hashana, I started visiting my favorite stores to load up on long- and short-sleeved tees with crew necks, henleys, long skirts, nylons, new closed-toe shoes, and pretty, light-weight shirts that can also stand to be layered in my climate. I'm enjoying dressing more modestly, and look forward to gradually progressing after I begin studying.
On a side note, I have a serious shopping problem: if I get anywhere near a TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Target, H&M, F21, or anywhere that sells cute and cheap clothing, I will NOT leave the vicinity without at least 2 items. Because I want to only focus on studying and growing spiritually, personally, etc., I am instituting a miniature shopping halt on myself. I have more clothes than I've had in years at this point in my life - largely due to buying better quality, better fitting items than I did in college. My college years were filled with t-shirts, ill-fitting jeans and Central Michigan University hoodies, and thankfully, I've gotten past that. I could write a whole post on how changing the way I dress has changed a huge part of my personality and self-esteem...so, yes, I think I will just save this for a different post.
One final bit: I am thinking of starting a new blog. I started this one quickly, and had just been using the name "Anat" as a temp because my husband and his friend were pushing me to choose it as my Hebrew name. I've decided against it, however, and want to go with the name I fell in love with when I first started learning about Judaism eight years ago, and that name is Avital.
So, what say you to a a new blog (same idea, new name)?
In the time that I've been busy NOT blogging, I've been prepping for my absence here at home. After getting a free 60-day membership at BJ's Wholesale Club, I've already been there multiple times gathering goodies like a squirrel before winter. It also helps they are the only place in the surrounding area that sells kosher challah. Spending time with my dog has also been very important. I feel so guilty about going, and it's hard to convince myself that I'll be back frequently enough that she won't forget me.
Another thing I've been working on is building an arsenal of modest clothing. Up until this point, I've dressed modestly, that is, for modern standards. I've been wearing skirts for two years, and generally wear tops that have either a modest neckline or longer sleeves...now I'm just buying shirts that ONLY have both. Before Rosh Hashana, I started visiting my favorite stores to load up on long- and short-sleeved tees with crew necks, henleys, long skirts, nylons, new closed-toe shoes, and pretty, light-weight shirts that can also stand to be layered in my climate. I'm enjoying dressing more modestly, and look forward to gradually progressing after I begin studying.
On a side note, I have a serious shopping problem: if I get anywhere near a TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Target, H&M, F21, or anywhere that sells cute and cheap clothing, I will NOT leave the vicinity without at least 2 items. Because I want to only focus on studying and growing spiritually, personally, etc., I am instituting a miniature shopping halt on myself. I have more clothes than I've had in years at this point in my life - largely due to buying better quality, better fitting items than I did in college. My college years were filled with t-shirts, ill-fitting jeans and Central Michigan University hoodies, and thankfully, I've gotten past that. I could write a whole post on how changing the way I dress has changed a huge part of my personality and self-esteem...so, yes, I think I will just save this for a different post.
One final bit: I am thinking of starting a new blog. I started this one quickly, and had just been using the name "Anat" as a temp because my husband and his friend were pushing me to choose it as my Hebrew name. I've decided against it, however, and want to go with the name I fell in love with when I first started learning about Judaism eight years ago, and that name is Avital.
So, what say you to a a new blog (same idea, new name)?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Choking
Yesterday, I drove to Miami to meet with my future mentor, Sarah. The 4 hour drive there was quite pleasant (I learned to love long car rides when I went to college 5 hours away from home), and I wasn't even that nervous. When I arrived at our meeting spot, I saw it was on a stretch of road I was familiar with. Definitely a Jewish neighborhood, but in a pretty poor-looking part of a the Miami outskirts. My roommates and I once nearly rented a house there a long time ago, but after seeing the bars on the windows and shady neighbors, we high-tailed it out of there. Here's hoping that same feeling doesn't creep back when I need to move there for real.
Anyway, our meeting spot was a Jewish women's store, connected to another Jewish-owned convenience store. In between was a tiny place that appeared to once sell tznius clothing. When I walked inside, there were about 6 or 7 women preparing large bins of food from a HUGE shelf that looked like it had been stolen from the local grocery store. I located Sarah, and we went into a small back office to chat. Awkwardly, there was another young woman in there who did not introduce herself or speak the entire time (45 minutes), but did listen to everything we talked about.
After Sarah and I got acquainted, she started right in about what it means to study with her: honesty, honesty, honesty: don't come to her class wearing nylons and long skirts, tell her you only eat kosher, and you don't go out on Shabbos if you actually are not ready. If she walks past the local McDonald's and you're sitting in there with a tank top on and eating McNuggets, the conversion is off. Not because of the spaghetti straps and the mystery meat, but because you were dishonest in how observant you are. Everything will come in time, she told me, and it's important to do only the things I am ready for.
Luckily, I haven't worn pants or shorts in over 2 years (except for one pair of jeans I owned which I wore to work on Saturdays at an old job - it was kind of like an extra push on my conscience because I didn't want to be working on Shabbos). I can add nylons easily, and I think that I will soon. In fact, they were part of my daily wardrobe for a while, but became discontinued after major Florida heat issues. Now that I'm a little more acclimated, everything should be fine.
Clothing will be the easiest part of this whole transformation. I'm mostly terrified of the school-like aspect of what will begin when I officially start studying with Sarah. I'm not a "bad" student, and I used to love school, but I am not one of those engaged students who loves to speak in class or mingle with classmates afterwards. I'm more of a show up, take notes, pay attention, and go home kind of student. I have a feeling this will not serve me well for this kind of studying. Here is my upcoming schedule:
Monday: 6:00-9:00 pm
Tuesday: 10:00 am-3:00 pm
Wednesday: 6:00-9:30 pm
Thursday: 10:00 am-3:00 pm
Friday/Saturday: hangin' with my host family and at the synagogue
Sunday: Test Days
Since I will be away from my husband and my dog for, oh, at least 8 months, I want to stuff my time with as much stuff as possible. Hopefully I can find a part-time job, and all the other time I have will be filled with studying. Oh, and speaking of my dog, Sarah told me our meeting that I HAVE TO GIVE MY DOG AWAY. This happened in about the first five minutes, and I immediately started crying. Awkward. My husband was pretty upset by it when I called him bawling my eyes out after the meeting (I managed to contain myself for the rest of it!), so he called Sarah himself and they decided that we will find a new house where we can keep Nola outside, therefore not breaking the law of not keeping an animal under our same roof. Whew.
I have a LOT of housework to catch up on, and a lot of reading to start doing, so here's where I end for today. Will update when I discover when/where I'll be living and what my next steps are!
Anyway, our meeting spot was a Jewish women's store, connected to another Jewish-owned convenience store. In between was a tiny place that appeared to once sell tznius clothing. When I walked inside, there were about 6 or 7 women preparing large bins of food from a HUGE shelf that looked like it had been stolen from the local grocery store. I located Sarah, and we went into a small back office to chat. Awkwardly, there was another young woman in there who did not introduce herself or speak the entire time (45 minutes), but did listen to everything we talked about.
After Sarah and I got acquainted, she started right in about what it means to study with her: honesty, honesty, honesty: don't come to her class wearing nylons and long skirts, tell her you only eat kosher, and you don't go out on Shabbos if you actually are not ready. If she walks past the local McDonald's and you're sitting in there with a tank top on and eating McNuggets, the conversion is off. Not because of the spaghetti straps and the mystery meat, but because you were dishonest in how observant you are. Everything will come in time, she told me, and it's important to do only the things I am ready for.
Luckily, I haven't worn pants or shorts in over 2 years (except for one pair of jeans I owned which I wore to work on Saturdays at an old job - it was kind of like an extra push on my conscience because I didn't want to be working on Shabbos). I can add nylons easily, and I think that I will soon. In fact, they were part of my daily wardrobe for a while, but became discontinued after major Florida heat issues. Now that I'm a little more acclimated, everything should be fine.
Clothing will be the easiest part of this whole transformation. I'm mostly terrified of the school-like aspect of what will begin when I officially start studying with Sarah. I'm not a "bad" student, and I used to love school, but I am not one of those engaged students who loves to speak in class or mingle with classmates afterwards. I'm more of a show up, take notes, pay attention, and go home kind of student. I have a feeling this will not serve me well for this kind of studying. Here is my upcoming schedule:
Monday: 6:00-9:00 pm
Tuesday: 10:00 am-3:00 pm
Wednesday: 6:00-9:30 pm
Thursday: 10:00 am-3:00 pm
Friday/Saturday: hangin' with my host family and at the synagogue
Sunday: Test Days
Since I will be away from my husband and my dog for, oh, at least 8 months, I want to stuff my time with as much stuff as possible. Hopefully I can find a part-time job, and all the other time I have will be filled with studying. Oh, and speaking of my dog, Sarah told me our meeting that I HAVE TO GIVE MY DOG AWAY. This happened in about the first five minutes, and I immediately started crying. Awkward. My husband was pretty upset by it when I called him bawling my eyes out after the meeting (I managed to contain myself for the rest of it!), so he called Sarah himself and they decided that we will find a new house where we can keep Nola outside, therefore not breaking the law of not keeping an animal under our same roof. Whew.
I have a LOT of housework to catch up on, and a lot of reading to start doing, so here's where I end for today. Will update when I discover when/where I'll be living and what my next steps are!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Beit Din: Part 1
Last night was my meeting with the Beit Din. There were 4 rabbis there, and despite being off to a not-so-great start thanks to the hubs (long story, but not bad :P ) everything actually went quite well. The head rabbi was exactly what I would have in my mental dictionary next to "rabbi": old, nice, eloquent, friendly, and no-nonsense. The other rabbis there didn't have much to add. One was on his cell phone the entire time, texting or something, which I found to be quite irritating. One just popped in with a random comment from time to time, and the other one was very quiet, sitting directly in front of me, staring at me and taking notes. I liked the old one best.
Basically, we have the green light to begin the process. They suggested calling an Israeli woman who lives near there (approximately 3.5 hours from where I live now) and she could either be my mentor, or suggest someone in my area. I called her this afternoon, and boy, this lady means business. I like her already. She told me bluntly that she doesn't know of anyone near me who would be qualified to be a mentor, but she could do it, and asked immediately when I could come and move near her. Yikes.
One of the things that did come up in the last few weeks, and during our meeting last night, was the necessary separation of my husband and me. The Beit Din didn't put a time limit on it in any way, of course, but just said that I will move out when I realize that living the way we are isn't right (which I know already). He told my husband in Hebrew that he knows it will be very difficult, but he needs to do it, and then told me in English that "we're not from some other universe, we know this kind of thing isn't easy". We all had a little, uncomfortable laugh... :)
So, when I spoke with my possible future mentor, Sarah, she told me that she would help to arrange me a place to live and all the necessities, I imagine, and then we would study together until the conversion is complete. After that, my husband and I could be free to go to Israel and have our wedding, then move back in together. In the meantime, while I would be living near Sarah, my husband would have to leave our new apartment (yay, breaking *another* lease this year) and move closer to a synagogue. He will become a part of this community in our town while I immerse myself in another place. After the wedding, I would then join "his" synagogue.
We're looking at months apart, a fortune in paying for 2 apartments (and breaking the current lease), furnishing a new one, another car (that alone is a baia gdola!), and figuring out who the doggy is going to stay with! I know, I know, that may not seem important in the grand scheme of things, but she is my baby, and breaking up the family isn't easy! Aside from all that, all the money and stress and forced patience I'll have to put on myself will all be worth it when someday I can look at my Jewish children and know that everything was all worth it. Definitely.
Basically, we have the green light to begin the process. They suggested calling an Israeli woman who lives near there (approximately 3.5 hours from where I live now) and she could either be my mentor, or suggest someone in my area. I called her this afternoon, and boy, this lady means business. I like her already. She told me bluntly that she doesn't know of anyone near me who would be qualified to be a mentor, but she could do it, and asked immediately when I could come and move near her. Yikes.
One of the things that did come up in the last few weeks, and during our meeting last night, was the necessary separation of my husband and me. The Beit Din didn't put a time limit on it in any way, of course, but just said that I will move out when I realize that living the way we are isn't right (which I know already). He told my husband in Hebrew that he knows it will be very difficult, but he needs to do it, and then told me in English that "we're not from some other universe, we know this kind of thing isn't easy". We all had a little, uncomfortable laugh... :)
So, when I spoke with my possible future mentor, Sarah, she told me that she would help to arrange me a place to live and all the necessities, I imagine, and then we would study together until the conversion is complete. After that, my husband and I could be free to go to Israel and have our wedding, then move back in together. In the meantime, while I would be living near Sarah, my husband would have to leave our new apartment (yay, breaking *another* lease this year) and move closer to a synagogue. He will become a part of this community in our town while I immerse myself in another place. After the wedding, I would then join "his" synagogue.
We're looking at months apart, a fortune in paying for 2 apartments (and breaking the current lease), furnishing a new one, another car (that alone is a baia gdola!), and figuring out who the doggy is going to stay with! I know, I know, that may not seem important in the grand scheme of things, but she is my baby, and breaking up the family isn't easy! Aside from all that, all the money and stress and forced patience I'll have to put on myself will all be worth it when someday I can look at my Jewish children and know that everything was all worth it. Definitely.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Preparations
Today has been particularly busy so far, as I'm trying to reshape my weekly schedule. I have *always* done my shopping for Shabbos on Friday morning/early afternoon. I'm not one for routines, but this one has been completely ingrained in me for over a year and half. Old habits do die hard!
I recently discovered glatt kosher meat RIGHT DOWN THE STREET (!!!), which that means I do not need to make the drive out of town to the kosher deli unless I want something very specific. This is good news for my car and its mediocre gas mileage. So, yesterday/today I bought:
-new white and yellow placemats for the dinner table (my kitchen theme is warm yellows, oranges and reds)
-kosher meat
-gorgeous cake stand from Target
-miscellaneous goodies for a special meal tomorrow night
Cleaning the house is what I should be doing now, and also having to sort through merchandise for my husband's store...also an arduous task. I spend so much time driving around town, picking up and delivering or having to buy stuff, by the time I get home I feel like my head is spinning. Also, on a random and probably TMI note, I think I need to go see a podiatrist, as something super painful is going on with my left foot. It made pushing a grocery cart today NOT so much fun. I can barely walk, much less wear shoes that don't hurt, so we'll see what happens over the weekend, I guess.
Back to relevant items. Yesterday, I went to BN and bought This Is My God by Herman Wouk and An Invitation to Shabbat by Ruth Perelson. I like Herman Wouk a lot, and the Shabbat book looked interesting and helpful. It even comes with a CD, which I was so excited to listen to I popped it into my car CD player right away. It was quite a lovely time to find out that my CD player does NOT work in the car, and my brand new CD is stuck in there, unable to play. Bummer!
Okay, no more procrastinating! I have a cake to bake and a house to clean. The kitchen needs to be spotless before I start making chajapuri, which I'm making for dinner tonight. It's a traditional Georgian dish, which I've finally perfected in my own right. I don't follow this recipe exactly, but if anyone is interested, I'd gladly share! Very, very rich and heavy, I don't recommend eating it often - but it's certainly a nice surprise for a hungry husband at the end of the day :)
I recently discovered glatt kosher meat RIGHT DOWN THE STREET (!!!), which that means I do not need to make the drive out of town to the kosher deli unless I want something very specific. This is good news for my car and its mediocre gas mileage. So, yesterday/today I bought:
-new white and yellow placemats for the dinner table (my kitchen theme is warm yellows, oranges and reds)
-kosher meat
-gorgeous cake stand from Target
-miscellaneous goodies for a special meal tomorrow night
Cleaning the house is what I should be doing now, and also having to sort through merchandise for my husband's store...also an arduous task. I spend so much time driving around town, picking up and delivering or having to buy stuff, by the time I get home I feel like my head is spinning. Also, on a random and probably TMI note, I think I need to go see a podiatrist, as something super painful is going on with my left foot. It made pushing a grocery cart today NOT so much fun. I can barely walk, much less wear shoes that don't hurt, so we'll see what happens over the weekend, I guess.
Back to relevant items. Yesterday, I went to BN and bought This Is My God by Herman Wouk and An Invitation to Shabbat by Ruth Perelson. I like Herman Wouk a lot, and the Shabbat book looked interesting and helpful. It even comes with a CD, which I was so excited to listen to I popped it into my car CD player right away. It was quite a lovely time to find out that my CD player does NOT work in the car, and my brand new CD is stuck in there, unable to play. Bummer!
Okay, no more procrastinating! I have a cake to bake and a house to clean. The kitchen needs to be spotless before I start making chajapuri, which I'm making for dinner tonight. It's a traditional Georgian dish, which I've finally perfected in my own right. I don't follow this recipe exactly, but if anyone is interested, I'd gladly share! Very, very rich and heavy, I don't recommend eating it often - but it's certainly a nice surprise for a hungry husband at the end of the day :)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Unexpected Surprise
Today, I spoke with the rabbi on the phone again. We set our appointment - Sunday evening. The first time we spoke, he seemed a little bit impressed with my dedication. Today, however, I almost cried on the phone. He sounded disappointed that we had no rabbi, no shul we attend, we don't keep Shabbos... by the time I hung up the phone, I just wanted to shrivel up and disappear!
I told him that I had some Israeli friends who told me, about a year ago, that I should not try to learn prayers, observe Shabbos, or do anything "technical" until I'm under a rabbi's help. This was after a visit with their rabbi. However, on the phone today, *my* rabbi told me that they were WRONG and that I should be doing everything I possibly can to "practice" a Jewish life. I told him that that was something I'd been struggling with for a long time: trying to decide how intensely I should study, because there are so many different books, ideas, websites, opinions... who can say what's what?
In the end, the rabbi told me not to be worried, but I will have to change the fact that I don't live within walking distance of a synagogue. Big problem. Even bigger problem? Bringing it up to my husband tonight. If all else fails and we cannot move (which would require us to break our lease), we can stay with acquaintances or in a hotel that's near the local synagogue. And speaking of acquaintances...
After the call with the rabbi was over, I headed out in search of a kosher deli I'd seen online. It looked great. Frozen foods, sandwiches, lots of different meats - definitely something to check out. When I arrived in the parking lot, I called my husband and told him about how sad I felt after speaking with the rabbi. Afterwards, I walked up to the deli and saw that it was closed! Lights off, no food in the freezers, boxes everywhere... what a disappointment! The only other place I'd read about that carried kosher meats was the Super Target just down the street from my apartment, so I headed over there.
Now, keep in mind, in Orlando, I have *rarely* seen an Orthodox Jewish person. I can count on one hand how many I've seen in the past 3 months. In Super Target today, I was standing in front of the kosher food aisle when a young Jewish woman came up to me and said, "Hi, do you need any help? I live around here, so...." and from there we just started chatting. She was there with her adorable little toddler, and her mother-in-law. She gave me her phone number and the numbers of a few other people, including kosher restaurants. The mother-in-law told me that her son is basically like my husband, and that it's difficult to get them to feel excited about their religion. It comforted me a lot to hear that. So, there I was talking to two modestly dressed women with their hair covered, buying kosher foods, and talking to me like I was an old friend - just because I wanted to be Jewish, too. All the pain and bad feelings I had after my phone call earlier had disappeared.
Today was just another reminder that somehow, someway, there is a plan laid out for us. Just when I was feeling really down and out, I was on the same path as a Jewish woman who happened to have answers to my questions and some words to give me hope. Aside from that, I'm happy to announce that my kitchen is now officially stocking kosher meat...whoo hoo! And, per the rabbi's advice, I will be "keeping" Shabbos. Another thing to tell my husband tonight. Should be a fun conversion... *giggle*
I told him that I had some Israeli friends who told me, about a year ago, that I should not try to learn prayers, observe Shabbos, or do anything "technical" until I'm under a rabbi's help. This was after a visit with their rabbi. However, on the phone today, *my* rabbi told me that they were WRONG and that I should be doing everything I possibly can to "practice" a Jewish life. I told him that that was something I'd been struggling with for a long time: trying to decide how intensely I should study, because there are so many different books, ideas, websites, opinions... who can say what's what?
In the end, the rabbi told me not to be worried, but I will have to change the fact that I don't live within walking distance of a synagogue. Big problem. Even bigger problem? Bringing it up to my husband tonight. If all else fails and we cannot move (which would require us to break our lease), we can stay with acquaintances or in a hotel that's near the local synagogue. And speaking of acquaintances...
After the call with the rabbi was over, I headed out in search of a kosher deli I'd seen online. It looked great. Frozen foods, sandwiches, lots of different meats - definitely something to check out. When I arrived in the parking lot, I called my husband and told him about how sad I felt after speaking with the rabbi. Afterwards, I walked up to the deli and saw that it was closed! Lights off, no food in the freezers, boxes everywhere... what a disappointment! The only other place I'd read about that carried kosher meats was the Super Target just down the street from my apartment, so I headed over there.
Now, keep in mind, in Orlando, I have *rarely* seen an Orthodox Jewish person. I can count on one hand how many I've seen in the past 3 months. In Super Target today, I was standing in front of the kosher food aisle when a young Jewish woman came up to me and said, "Hi, do you need any help? I live around here, so...." and from there we just started chatting. She was there with her adorable little toddler, and her mother-in-law. She gave me her phone number and the numbers of a few other people, including kosher restaurants. The mother-in-law told me that her son is basically like my husband, and that it's difficult to get them to feel excited about their religion. It comforted me a lot to hear that. So, there I was talking to two modestly dressed women with their hair covered, buying kosher foods, and talking to me like I was an old friend - just because I wanted to be Jewish, too. All the pain and bad feelings I had after my phone call earlier had disappeared.
Today was just another reminder that somehow, someway, there is a plan laid out for us. Just when I was feeling really down and out, I was on the same path as a Jewish woman who happened to have answers to my questions and some words to give me hope. Aside from that, I'm happy to announce that my kitchen is now officially stocking kosher meat...whoo hoo! And, per the rabbi's advice, I will be "keeping" Shabbos. Another thing to tell my husband tonight. Should be a fun conversion... *giggle*
Monday, August 16, 2010
Celebrities Schmelebrities
This morning, I had a realization:
I am addicted to celebrity gossip, photos and stories. And the madness must stop.
Now, I do believe it is okay to have guilty pleasures here and there. However, when I was checking out my usual websites this morning, I found myself feeling very bored and, well, shallow. Every day I have an internet routine: Facebook, Etsy, Gmail, blogs, Chabad.org, more blogs (I'm a total creeper... haha), more Facebook, random Jewish sites, and the news. In there is also a lot of TMZ and People.com. How I got addicted to celebrity news is a weird story: in college, my roommate sent me a link to a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein, the socialite who had plastic surgery to make her appearance look like a cat. Well, the morbid curiosity I had for such people got the better of me, and I began looking at more celebrity news sites on a regular basis. So, why now, after a couple years, have I changed my tune?
What first drew me to these kinds of stories were the invasive nature to them - juicy details, gossip and stories of people I will never know in person, of course, but are exciting to see on TV and in movies. Okay, so, what the heck do I care about their personal lives? I suppose when I saw that first picture of Ms. Wildenstein, I was horrified - but like I said before, it was morbid curiosity. I liked that feeling of having "insight" to other people, even if I didn't personally know them. Lame, I know. What I am beginning to realize now, though, is that I need to spend a lot more time looking inward, rather than into strangers' lives. Reading about a celebrity's new hair color will not do me any good, and frankly, it just isn't important.
Now that I'm trying to fill my life with more meaningful ventures, I am spending a lot more time reading about Judaism and enjoying stories with Jewish messages. More Tanakh, more "how to live Jewishly" type books. The deep emotions I feel while reading, for example, Kohelet, is nothing compared to the brain-numbing garbage on those other websites. How could I possibly compare spending 20 minutes reading "news" on TMZ to 20 minutes reading Tehillim?
I'm thinking of it like I would my daily diet: concentration of healthy foods is most important. What is better for the body, one apple or one ice cream bar? I could eat a lunch of cookies, cola, and chips and feel stuffed, but would it *really* satisfy me like it would to have a nice salad or baked chicken? No. In order to feel healthy, in all aspects, I must saturate my life with things that are fulfilling - especially morally. So, while I may enjoy seeing photos of celebrities without their makeup or hearing about who's dating who, in the end it doesn't really matter. Those stories will disappear just as quickly as they came (wish I could say the same for Mel Gibson, though), but Jewish learning will always stay with me... and most importantly, it will make me want to learn even *more*.
I am addicted to celebrity gossip, photos and stories. And the madness must stop.
Now, I do believe it is okay to have guilty pleasures here and there. However, when I was checking out my usual websites this morning, I found myself feeling very bored and, well, shallow. Every day I have an internet routine: Facebook, Etsy, Gmail, blogs, Chabad.org, more blogs (I'm a total creeper... haha), more Facebook, random Jewish sites, and the news. In there is also a lot of TMZ and People.com. How I got addicted to celebrity news is a weird story: in college, my roommate sent me a link to a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein, the socialite who had plastic surgery to make her appearance look like a cat. Well, the morbid curiosity I had for such people got the better of me, and I began looking at more celebrity news sites on a regular basis. So, why now, after a couple years, have I changed my tune?
What first drew me to these kinds of stories were the invasive nature to them - juicy details, gossip and stories of people I will never know in person, of course, but are exciting to see on TV and in movies. Okay, so, what the heck do I care about their personal lives? I suppose when I saw that first picture of Ms. Wildenstein, I was horrified - but like I said before, it was morbid curiosity. I liked that feeling of having "insight" to other people, even if I didn't personally know them. Lame, I know. What I am beginning to realize now, though, is that I need to spend a lot more time looking inward, rather than into strangers' lives. Reading about a celebrity's new hair color will not do me any good, and frankly, it just isn't important.
Now that I'm trying to fill my life with more meaningful ventures, I am spending a lot more time reading about Judaism and enjoying stories with Jewish messages. More Tanakh, more "how to live Jewishly" type books. The deep emotions I feel while reading, for example, Kohelet, is nothing compared to the brain-numbing garbage on those other websites. How could I possibly compare spending 20 minutes reading "news" on TMZ to 20 minutes reading Tehillim?
I'm thinking of it like I would my daily diet: concentration of healthy foods is most important. What is better for the body, one apple or one ice cream bar? I could eat a lunch of cookies, cola, and chips and feel stuffed, but would it *really* satisfy me like it would to have a nice salad or baked chicken? No. In order to feel healthy, in all aspects, I must saturate my life with things that are fulfilling - especially morally. So, while I may enjoy seeing photos of celebrities without their makeup or hearing about who's dating who, in the end it doesn't really matter. Those stories will disappear just as quickly as they came (wish I could say the same for Mel Gibson, though), but Jewish learning will always stay with me... and most importantly, it will make me want to learn even *more*.
Sunday, August 15, 2010
More Waiting!
Today is the 15th, and so I called the rabbi to set up my appointment. My heart was beating so fast just waiting for him to answer ( I don't know why!) He told me to call him back on Tuesday when he would have a better idea of times, etc. Now, again with the waiting...
I'm beginning to have very big concerns about how the process will begin. First of all, we do not live close enough for an Orthodox synagogue at the moment. We signed a 10 month lease which will not be done until March, so this is worrying me. Okay, now that I think about it, that's my only big concern. Everything else is totally manageable.
You know, this past Shabbos was very difficult for me. By no means am I observing it, yet, but because I *want* to so badly, Friday night always brings mixed emotions. For starters, I LOVE preparing the Shabbos dinner. Cleaning the house, cooking the big meal, lighting the candles (yes, I light the candles and am not entirely sure if I should, but I just feel like I can't stop myself), preparing the dinner table... everything feels so right to me. Then, the meal is over. And that's it. Shabbos in my house lasts for maybe - MAYBE - 45 minutes. All the build-up I have, all the love I put into everything crashes down after that. After everything is cleaned up and people disperse, I get depressed. Any suggestions on how to.... just.... not end up this way every Friday night?
A video I viewed the other day that I absolutely fell in love with:
Makes me proud to be a woman and potential Jew.
I'm beginning to have very big concerns about how the process will begin. First of all, we do not live close enough for an Orthodox synagogue at the moment. We signed a 10 month lease which will not be done until March, so this is worrying me. Okay, now that I think about it, that's my only big concern. Everything else is totally manageable.
You know, this past Shabbos was very difficult for me. By no means am I observing it, yet, but because I *want* to so badly, Friday night always brings mixed emotions. For starters, I LOVE preparing the Shabbos dinner. Cleaning the house, cooking the big meal, lighting the candles (yes, I light the candles and am not entirely sure if I should, but I just feel like I can't stop myself), preparing the dinner table... everything feels so right to me. Then, the meal is over. And that's it. Shabbos in my house lasts for maybe - MAYBE - 45 minutes. All the build-up I have, all the love I put into everything crashes down after that. After everything is cleaned up and people disperse, I get depressed. Any suggestions on how to.... just.... not end up this way every Friday night?
A video I viewed the other day that I absolutely fell in love with:
Makes me proud to be a woman and potential Jew.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Conversion Application
Three days ago, I received my conversion application in my email. It took me those three days to read it over, read it again, fill out the 11 pages of questions, change the answers, and obsess over every word. However, finally, by 12:06 a.m. last night I finally had the thing sent out. Now, to send a $250 application check and a photo of my husband and myself via snail mail.
So, now that the psychotic email-checking is over, I now only have to wait until the 15th, which is when I call the rabbi to make my beit din appointment. From there, it's just waiting (again) for either August 22, 23, or 24. I'm thinking that I'll make the appointment for the 22nd, so I don't have to wait any longer! After 8 years, you'd think some patience would have worked its way into my blood, but oh well.
I feel like I literally cannot focus for 2 straight minutes to write anything here, so this is where I'll end the post. Stay tuned as time gets closer to the meeting....
So, now that the psychotic email-checking is over, I now only have to wait until the 15th, which is when I call the rabbi to make my beit din appointment. From there, it's just waiting (again) for either August 22, 23, or 24. I'm thinking that I'll make the appointment for the 22nd, so I don't have to wait any longer! After 8 years, you'd think some patience would have worked its way into my blood, but oh well.
I feel like I literally cannot focus for 2 straight minutes to write anything here, so this is where I'll end the post. Stay tuned as time gets closer to the meeting....
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Waiting...
Two weeks ago, I spoke with an Orthodox rabbi from Miami who said he will help me with the info I need to start the conversion process. Unfortunately, he is currently in NY and, though he emailed me and said he'd be in touch, I'm still waiting for him to send me "the packet". Now, maybe someone else out there knows what a packet is, but my guess it's the syllabus he told me about that details what they expect out of a potential convert. Let the stomach butterflies begin.
I just might be developing OCD, as I'm checking my email so often it's hardly laughable. In the meanwhile, I'm spending a lot of time on Chabad.org watching videos and reading articles. I'm also getting frustrated about my kitchen - we have 2 sets of dishes, but only one microwave, stove/oven, and sink. I do my very best to separate everything but am afraid along the way everything has become a mixed up mess, thanks to my husband and guests. Anyway, everything will have to be re-kashered and possibly repurchased as we had been eating regular meat. Yes, one more step I want to work on is buying kosher meat. It wasn't until last week that I even knew where to find kosher meat in Orlando. Sometimes, I *really* miss living in South Florida. Everywhere you go, you see Jewish people, Jewish delis and eateries...and let's not begin to mention how much I miss the shawarma.
The other night, I had a mini-breakthrough with my husband. He's a very smart, independent person who likes to do things for himself. This is the reason he's having a difficult time with the idea of having to live a more strict, Jewish lifestyle. The thought of imposed rules has him wanting to run for the hills. My strategy is to simply do things on my own -learning, studying, kosher cooking, etc.- and I know that, in time, he'll want to follow. The problem is, he has had a lot of negative experiences with the Orthodox Jews. My husband hasn't had an easy life, as he and his family were immigrants to Israel and were not treated kindly (which I find to be incredibly sad and disappointing). Israel is also a very difficult place to work and be financially stable. Because of this and other various things, my husband grew up not feeling that Orthodox Judaism was a good way of life for him. He didn't like the sheltered aspect of it, the hypocrisy he witnessed, and first-hand issues he experienced (for example, he was once kicked out of a synagogue as a teenager because he didn't have money to pay for the service. It was Yom Kippur, and the rabbi yelled at him and forced him out).
Back to the mini-breakthrough. During a short discussion in the car, I kindly brought it up to my husband that there are always going to be people who do wrong by their religion, but it doesn't mean that there aren't genuinely good people out there who practice what they preach. (I personally would have no interest in becoming Jewish if I didn't intend on being a GOOD Jew. My husband finally admitted that he was afraid that the rabbis would want him to become ultra-Orthodox (peyos, hats, suits, the whole shebang) and he just couldn't do it. Personally, I don't think that will happen as he is already Jewish, however, he will definitely need to begin keeping Shabbat, praying more often, keeping kosher, etc.
I'm getting distracted by my doggy, so sorry this post has been a bit rambling and disorganized. Time to get off the computer and take a trip to the grocery store to restock the kitchen. A friend of my husband's is staying with us and I'd underestimated what it takes to feed two full-grown men!
Have a great day everyone!
I just might be developing OCD, as I'm checking my email so often it's hardly laughable. In the meanwhile, I'm spending a lot of time on Chabad.org watching videos and reading articles. I'm also getting frustrated about my kitchen - we have 2 sets of dishes, but only one microwave, stove/oven, and sink. I do my very best to separate everything but am afraid along the way everything has become a mixed up mess, thanks to my husband and guests. Anyway, everything will have to be re-kashered and possibly repurchased as we had been eating regular meat. Yes, one more step I want to work on is buying kosher meat. It wasn't until last week that I even knew where to find kosher meat in Orlando. Sometimes, I *really* miss living in South Florida. Everywhere you go, you see Jewish people, Jewish delis and eateries...and let's not begin to mention how much I miss the shawarma.
The other night, I had a mini-breakthrough with my husband. He's a very smart, independent person who likes to do things for himself. This is the reason he's having a difficult time with the idea of having to live a more strict, Jewish lifestyle. The thought of imposed rules has him wanting to run for the hills. My strategy is to simply do things on my own -learning, studying, kosher cooking, etc.- and I know that, in time, he'll want to follow. The problem is, he has had a lot of negative experiences with the Orthodox Jews. My husband hasn't had an easy life, as he and his family were immigrants to Israel and were not treated kindly (which I find to be incredibly sad and disappointing). Israel is also a very difficult place to work and be financially stable. Because of this and other various things, my husband grew up not feeling that Orthodox Judaism was a good way of life for him. He didn't like the sheltered aspect of it, the hypocrisy he witnessed, and first-hand issues he experienced (for example, he was once kicked out of a synagogue as a teenager because he didn't have money to pay for the service. It was Yom Kippur, and the rabbi yelled at him and forced him out).
Back to the mini-breakthrough. During a short discussion in the car, I kindly brought it up to my husband that there are always going to be people who do wrong by their religion, but it doesn't mean that there aren't genuinely good people out there who practice what they preach. (I personally would have no interest in becoming Jewish if I didn't intend on being a GOOD Jew. My husband finally admitted that he was afraid that the rabbis would want him to become ultra-Orthodox (peyos, hats, suits, the whole shebang) and he just couldn't do it. Personally, I don't think that will happen as he is already Jewish, however, he will definitely need to begin keeping Shabbat, praying more often, keeping kosher, etc.
I'm getting distracted by my doggy, so sorry this post has been a bit rambling and disorganized. Time to get off the computer and take a trip to the grocery store to restock the kitchen. A friend of my husband's is staying with us and I'd underestimated what it takes to feed two full-grown men!
Have a great day everyone!
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Updates
Maybe the lazy, suffocating Florida heat is taking its toll on me, but I literally cannot find the strength to make a video these days. I wanted to do them every Tuesday, as a rule, especially as I'm featured on PunkTorah (or supposed to be... I'll probably lose that venue if I keep having little to no inspiration for a decent video!).
Just wanted to do an update on my conversion news, however, so here goes: Last Friday I spoke with a rabbi who gave me some of the info I was looking for. First things first, I was reluctant to say specifically where I live (paranoia?) but, for the sake of being less confusing, I now live in Orlando. For the past year and a half I was near Ft. Lauderdale/Miami. So, speaking to the rabbi, he informed me that the only place to do an Israeli-accepted conversion is down in the Miami area. I'm currently trying to see the good it did in putting it off instead of just doing it when I lived there... grrr!!! "Everything happens for a reason"? We'll see.
Anyway, the rabbi told me that the process will take 2-3 years, which was really terrifying to hear. The wife of my husband's friend completed her conversion (same synagogue I'm supposed to go through) in 7 months, so we'll see what happens. The rabbi also seemed really impressed will the level of "observance" I am at already, but was a little disappointed in my husbands. Oops! The difficulty here is that my husband grew up, for most of his life, in Israel and I think he's jaded by some of the religious hypocrisy he's seen. And, let's all admit, wherever there is organized religion, hypocrisy does exist in at least SOME people. Sad but true.
Well, I think the hardest part will be pushing my husband to become Orthodox with me. For me, as soon as I reabsorb myself in Jewish literature, websites, modest clothes, etc., the more excited I become and the more at-home I feel. For him, I am not sure what it feels like. It makes me sad that my husband doesn't feel the same joy and love for Judaism that I do, but I'm sure that if the tables were turned, I wouldn't understand him either.
Right now, I'm spending a lot of time kind of mentally preparing myself for the process. I know a lot of what it entails (I think), but my studying needs to really improve. I'd say my weak spot are the Jewish holidays. I don't understand them as much as I should, which isn't a good thing. Most of my focus has always been on how to "live" Jewishly - my attitude, how I treat other people, my dress, how I run my house. Those aspects have always concerned me the most. Is that a problem for the future?
The rabbi told me that the bein din will be meeting in Miami at the end of next month (August), and that he'll be emailing me a syllabus of the things they expect from me, should I be accepted as a potential convert. I intend to knock their socks off!
Quick apology - lately I have been seeing SO MANY AWESOME Jewish blogs by women, and I must apologize that I'm technologically challenged and cannot make a gorgeous, visually-interesting blog like them. But thank you, to you ladies, for giving me something fun to read! :)
Just wanted to do an update on my conversion news, however, so here goes: Last Friday I spoke with a rabbi who gave me some of the info I was looking for. First things first, I was reluctant to say specifically where I live (paranoia?) but, for the sake of being less confusing, I now live in Orlando. For the past year and a half I was near Ft. Lauderdale/Miami. So, speaking to the rabbi, he informed me that the only place to do an Israeli-accepted conversion is down in the Miami area. I'm currently trying to see the good it did in putting it off instead of just doing it when I lived there... grrr!!! "Everything happens for a reason"? We'll see.
Anyway, the rabbi told me that the process will take 2-3 years, which was really terrifying to hear. The wife of my husband's friend completed her conversion (same synagogue I'm supposed to go through) in 7 months, so we'll see what happens. The rabbi also seemed really impressed will the level of "observance" I am at already, but was a little disappointed in my husbands. Oops! The difficulty here is that my husband grew up, for most of his life, in Israel and I think he's jaded by some of the religious hypocrisy he's seen. And, let's all admit, wherever there is organized religion, hypocrisy does exist in at least SOME people. Sad but true.
Well, I think the hardest part will be pushing my husband to become Orthodox with me. For me, as soon as I reabsorb myself in Jewish literature, websites, modest clothes, etc., the more excited I become and the more at-home I feel. For him, I am not sure what it feels like. It makes me sad that my husband doesn't feel the same joy and love for Judaism that I do, but I'm sure that if the tables were turned, I wouldn't understand him either.
Right now, I'm spending a lot of time kind of mentally preparing myself for the process. I know a lot of what it entails (I think), but my studying needs to really improve. I'd say my weak spot are the Jewish holidays. I don't understand them as much as I should, which isn't a good thing. Most of my focus has always been on how to "live" Jewishly - my attitude, how I treat other people, my dress, how I run my house. Those aspects have always concerned me the most. Is that a problem for the future?
The rabbi told me that the bein din will be meeting in Miami at the end of next month (August), and that he'll be emailing me a syllabus of the things they expect from me, should I be accepted as a potential convert. I intend to knock their socks off!
Quick apology - lately I have been seeing SO MANY AWESOME Jewish blogs by women, and I must apologize that I'm technologically challenged and cannot make a gorgeous, visually-interesting blog like them. But thank you, to you ladies, for giving me something fun to read! :)
Friday, July 23, 2010
Long Time, No Post!
Wow, I felt like I hadn't posted a blog in a while... but one month? That's just embarrassing!
Just wanted to put a quick link on here to an article that I really, really love. It's on Chabad.org and it's about who decides what's modest or not. Beautifully written, fairly written, and a must-read for any Jewish woman!
Shabbat shalom!
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1248044/jewish/Who-Decides-What-is-Modest.htm
Just wanted to put a quick link on here to an article that I really, really love. It's on Chabad.org and it's about who decides what's modest or not. Beautifully written, fairly written, and a must-read for any Jewish woman!
Shabbat shalom!
http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1248044/jewish/Who-Decides-What-is-Modest.htm
Thursday, June 24, 2010
"I Am Jewish"
I stopped into Barnes and Noble today to do some much-needed reading. It's been a while since I bought any new books on Judaism, so it seemed like a good idea to swing by the religious section. By the way, in the B&N I visited, all Jewish-related books are categorized under "Religious Fiction" along with Islam and every Asian religion. I guess Christianity is the only one that is "Religious Fact"? :P
One book caught my eye right away. It was "I Am Jewish: Personal Reflections Inspired by the Last Words of Daniel Pearl." For anyone who hasn't cracked that one open, I highly recommend it. Granted, I only had time to skim it, but it had some of the most thought-provoking comments inside. After reading from contributors aged 11 to Larry King (his was suprisingly interesting), it got me thinking... a lot. What would my last words be, if I knew the end was near? Would they be "I am Jewish"? If they were, why?
"I am Jewish" is more than being born into a religion. It's being part of something that's bigger than you, but is always there for you, always part of you and you are a part of it. If your last words were "I am Jewish", what would that say about you? Would it be a monument to the fact that you never ate a bite of unkosher food in your life? Would it represent how you looked and acted to the world? Would it tell us how you believed in G-d, or your political views, or your daily routine?
If my last words were "I am Jewish", they would - hopefully - represent my actions. How I loved my husband. How I cherished my children. How I respected my mother. How I believed in the innate goodness in people even if I couldn't always see it. It would reflect how I always tried to do the right thing, gave what I could to help a friend or stranger in need. I would want it to say, in those three words, how I was grateful every day for the countless blessings in my life, to remind myself that my time on this earth was a gift that I had to work to rightfully deserve. In those three words would be a history of the small deeds I did to show G-d my appreciation and dedication.
But mostly, I would want them to honor the pride that I always felt in Judaism. Because if I didn't live every day trying to be a better Jew, I would never have the bravery to say those three words.
One book caught my eye right away. It was "I Am Jewish: Personal Reflections Inspired by the Last Words of Daniel Pearl." For anyone who hasn't cracked that one open, I highly recommend it. Granted, I only had time to skim it, but it had some of the most thought-provoking comments inside. After reading from contributors aged 11 to Larry King (his was suprisingly interesting), it got me thinking... a lot. What would my last words be, if I knew the end was near? Would they be "I am Jewish"? If they were, why?
"I am Jewish" is more than being born into a religion. It's being part of something that's bigger than you, but is always there for you, always part of you and you are a part of it. If your last words were "I am Jewish", what would that say about you? Would it be a monument to the fact that you never ate a bite of unkosher food in your life? Would it represent how you looked and acted to the world? Would it tell us how you believed in G-d, or your political views, or your daily routine?
If my last words were "I am Jewish", they would - hopefully - represent my actions. How I loved my husband. How I cherished my children. How I respected my mother. How I believed in the innate goodness in people even if I couldn't always see it. It would reflect how I always tried to do the right thing, gave what I could to help a friend or stranger in need. I would want it to say, in those three words, how I was grateful every day for the countless blessings in my life, to remind myself that my time on this earth was a gift that I had to work to rightfully deserve. In those three words would be a history of the small deeds I did to show G-d my appreciation and dedication.
But mostly, I would want them to honor the pride that I always felt in Judaism. Because if I didn't live every day trying to be a better Jew, I would never have the bravery to say those three words.
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