Monday, August 23, 2010

Beit Din: Part 1

Last night was my meeting with the Beit Din. There were 4 rabbis there, and despite being off to a not-so-great start thanks to the hubs (long story, but not bad :P ) everything actually went quite well. The head rabbi was exactly what I would have in my mental dictionary next to "rabbi": old, nice, eloquent, friendly, and no-nonsense. The other rabbis there didn't have much to add. One was on his cell phone the entire time, texting or something, which I found to be quite irritating. One just popped in with a random comment from time to time, and the other one was very quiet, sitting directly in front of me, staring at me and taking notes. I liked the old one best.

Basically, we have the green light to begin the process. They suggested calling an Israeli woman who lives near there (approximately 3.5 hours from where I live now) and she could either be my mentor, or suggest someone in my area. I called her this afternoon, and boy, this lady means business. I like her already. She told me bluntly that she doesn't know of anyone near me who would be qualified to be a mentor, but she could do it, and asked immediately when I could come and move near her. Yikes.

One of the things that did come up in the last few weeks, and during our meeting last night, was the necessary separation of my husband and me. The Beit Din didn't put a time limit on it in any way, of course, but just said that I will move out when I realize that living the way we are isn't right (which I know already). He told my husband in Hebrew that he knows it will be very difficult, but he needs to do it, and then told me in English that "we're not from some other universe, we know this kind of thing isn't easy". We all had a little, uncomfortable laugh... :)

So, when I spoke with my possible future mentor, Sarah, she told me that she would help to arrange me a place to live and all the necessities, I imagine, and then we would study together until the conversion is complete. After that, my husband and I could be free to go to Israel and have our wedding, then move back in together. In the meantime, while I would be living near Sarah, my husband would have to leave our new apartment (yay, breaking *another* lease this year) and move closer to a synagogue. He will become a part of this community in our town while I immerse myself in another place. After the wedding, I would then join "his" synagogue.

We're looking at months apart, a fortune in paying for 2 apartments (and breaking the current lease), furnishing a new one, another car (that alone is a baia gdola!), and figuring out who the doggy is going to stay with! I know, I know, that may not seem important in the grand scheme of things, but she is my baby, and breaking up the family isn't easy! Aside from all that, all the money and stress and forced patience I'll have to put on myself will all be worth it when someday I can look at my Jewish children and know that everything was all worth it. Definitely.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Preparations

Today has been particularly busy so far, as I'm trying to reshape my weekly schedule. I have *always* done my shopping for Shabbos on Friday morning/early afternoon. I'm not one for routines, but this one has been completely ingrained in me for over a year and half. Old habits do die hard!

I recently discovered glatt kosher meat RIGHT DOWN THE STREET (!!!), which that means I do not need to make the drive out of town to the kosher deli unless I want something very specific. This is good news for my car and its mediocre gas mileage. So, yesterday/today I bought:

-new white and yellow placemats for the dinner table (my kitchen theme is warm yellows, oranges and reds)
-kosher meat
-gorgeous cake stand from Target
-miscellaneous goodies for a special meal tomorrow night

Cleaning the house is what I should be doing now, and also having to sort through merchandise for my husband's store...also an arduous task. I spend so much time driving around town, picking up and delivering or having to buy stuff, by the time I get home I feel like my head is spinning. Also, on a random and probably TMI note, I think I need to go see a podiatrist, as something super painful is going on with my left foot. It made pushing a grocery cart today NOT so much fun. I can barely walk, much less wear shoes that don't hurt, so we'll see what happens over the weekend, I guess.

Back to relevant items. Yesterday, I went to BN and bought This Is My God by Herman Wouk and An Invitation to Shabbat by Ruth Perelson. I like Herman Wouk a lot, and the Shabbat book looked interesting and helpful. It even comes with a CD, which I was so excited to listen to I popped it into my car CD player right away. It was quite a lovely time to find out that my CD player does NOT work in the car, and my brand new CD is stuck in there, unable to play. Bummer!

Okay, no more procrastinating! I have a cake to bake and a house to clean. The kitchen needs to be spotless before I start making chajapuri, which I'm making for dinner tonight. It's a traditional Georgian dish, which I've finally perfected in my own right. I don't follow this recipe exactly, but if anyone is interested, I'd gladly share! Very, very rich and heavy, I don't recommend eating it often - but it's certainly a nice surprise for a hungry husband at the end of the day :)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Unexpected Surprise

Today, I spoke with the rabbi on the phone again. We set our appointment - Sunday evening. The first time we spoke, he seemed a little bit impressed with my dedication. Today, however, I almost cried on the phone. He sounded disappointed that we had no rabbi, no shul we attend, we don't keep Shabbos... by the time I hung up the phone, I just wanted to shrivel up and disappear!

I told him that I had some Israeli friends who told me, about a year ago, that I should not try to learn prayers, observe Shabbos, or do anything "technical" until I'm under a rabbi's help. This was after a visit with their rabbi. However, on the phone today, *my* rabbi told me that they were WRONG and that I should be doing everything I possibly can to "practice" a Jewish life. I told him that that was something I'd been struggling with for a long time: trying to decide how intensely I should study, because there are so many different books, ideas, websites, opinions... who can say what's what?

In the end, the rabbi told me not to be worried, but I will have to change the fact that I don't live within walking distance of a synagogue. Big problem. Even bigger problem? Bringing it up to my husband tonight. If all else fails and we cannot move (which would require us to break our lease), we can stay with acquaintances or in a hotel that's near the local synagogue. And speaking of acquaintances...

After the call with the rabbi was over, I headed out in search of a kosher deli I'd seen online. It looked great. Frozen foods, sandwiches, lots of different meats - definitely something to check out. When I arrived in the parking lot, I called my husband and told him about how sad I felt after speaking with the rabbi. Afterwards, I walked up to the deli and saw that it was closed! Lights off, no food in the freezers, boxes everywhere... what a disappointment! The only other place I'd read about that carried kosher meats was the Super Target just down the street from my apartment, so I headed over there.

Now, keep in mind, in Orlando, I have *rarely* seen an Orthodox Jewish person. I can count on one hand how many I've seen in the past 3 months. In Super Target today, I was standing in front of the kosher food aisle when a young Jewish woman came up to me and said, "Hi, do you need any help? I live around here, so...." and from there we just started chatting. She was there with her adorable little toddler, and her mother-in-law. She gave me her phone number and the numbers of a few other people, including kosher restaurants. The mother-in-law told me that her son is basically like my husband, and that it's difficult to get them to feel excited about their religion. It comforted me a lot to hear that. So, there I was talking to two modestly dressed women with their hair covered, buying kosher foods, and talking to me like I was an old friend - just because I wanted to be Jewish, too. All the pain and bad feelings I had after my phone call earlier had disappeared.

Today was just another reminder that somehow, someway, there is a plan laid out for us. Just when I was feeling really down and out, I was on the same path as a Jewish woman who happened to have answers to my questions and some words to give me hope. Aside from that, I'm happy to announce that my kitchen is now officially stocking kosher meat...whoo hoo! And, per the rabbi's advice, I will be "keeping" Shabbos. Another thing to tell my husband tonight. Should be a fun conversion... *giggle*

Monday, August 16, 2010

Celebrities Schmelebrities

This morning, I had a realization:

I am addicted to celebrity gossip, photos and stories. And the madness must stop.

Now, I do believe it is okay to have guilty pleasures here and there. However, when I was checking out my usual websites this morning, I found myself feeling very bored and, well, shallow. Every day I have an internet routine: Facebook, Etsy, Gmail, blogs, Chabad.org, more blogs (I'm a total creeper... haha), more Facebook, random Jewish sites, and the news. In there is also a lot of TMZ and People.com. How I got addicted to celebrity news is a weird story: in college, my roommate sent me a link to a picture of Jocelyn Wildenstein, the socialite who had plastic surgery to make her appearance look like a cat. Well, the morbid curiosity I had for such people got the better of me, and I began looking at more celebrity news sites on a regular basis. So, why now, after a couple years, have I changed my tune?

What first drew me to these kinds of stories were the invasive nature to them - juicy details, gossip and stories of people I will never know in person, of course, but are exciting to see on TV and in movies. Okay, so, what the heck do I care about their personal lives? I suppose when I saw that first picture of Ms. Wildenstein, I was horrified - but like I said before, it was morbid curiosity. I liked that feeling of having "insight" to other people, even if I didn't personally know them. Lame, I know. What I am beginning to realize now, though, is that I need to spend a lot more time looking inward, rather than into strangers' lives. Reading about a celebrity's new hair color will not do me any good, and frankly, it just isn't important.

Now that I'm trying to fill my life with more meaningful ventures, I am spending a lot more time reading about Judaism and enjoying stories with Jewish messages. More Tanakh, more "how to live Jewishly" type books. The deep emotions I feel while reading, for example, Kohelet, is nothing compared to the brain-numbing garbage on those other websites. How could I possibly compare spending 20 minutes reading "news" on TMZ to 20 minutes reading Tehillim?

I'm thinking of it like I would my daily diet: concentration of healthy foods is most important. What is better for the body, one apple or one ice cream bar? I could eat a lunch of cookies, cola, and chips and feel stuffed, but would it *really* satisfy me like it would to have a nice salad or baked chicken? No. In order to feel healthy, in all aspects, I must saturate my life with things that are fulfilling - especially morally. So, while I may enjoy seeing photos of celebrities without their makeup or hearing about who's dating who, in the end it doesn't really matter. Those stories will disappear just as quickly as they came (wish I could say the same for Mel Gibson, though), but Jewish learning will always stay with me... and most importantly, it will make me want to learn even *more*.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

More Waiting!

Today is the 15th, and so I called the rabbi to set up my appointment. My heart was beating so fast just waiting for him to answer ( I don't know why!) He told me to call him back on Tuesday when he would have a better idea of times, etc. Now, again with the waiting...

I'm beginning to have very big concerns about how the process will begin. First of all, we do not live close enough for an Orthodox synagogue at the moment. We signed a 10 month lease which will not be done until March, so this is worrying me. Okay, now that I think about it, that's my only big concern. Everything else is totally manageable.

You know, this past Shabbos was very difficult for me. By no means am I observing it, yet, but because I *want* to so badly, Friday night always brings mixed emotions. For starters, I LOVE preparing the Shabbos dinner. Cleaning the house, cooking the big meal, lighting the candles (yes, I light the candles and am not entirely sure if I should, but I just feel like I can't stop myself), preparing the dinner table... everything feels so right to me. Then, the meal is over. And that's it. Shabbos in my house lasts for maybe - MAYBE - 45 minutes. All the build-up I have, all the love I put into everything crashes down after that. After everything is cleaned up and people disperse, I get depressed. Any suggestions on how to.... just.... not end up this way every Friday night?

A video I viewed the other day that I absolutely fell in love with:
Makes me proud to be a woman and potential Jew.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Conversion Application

Three days ago, I received my conversion application in my email. It took me those three days to read it over, read it again, fill out the 11 pages of questions, change the answers, and obsess over every word. However, finally, by 12:06 a.m. last night I finally had the thing sent out. Now, to send a $250 application check and a photo of my husband and myself via snail mail.

So, now that the psychotic email-checking is over, I now only have to wait until the 15th, which is when I call the rabbi to make my beit din appointment. From there, it's just waiting (again) for either August 22, 23, or 24. I'm thinking that I'll make the appointment for the 22nd, so I don't have to wait any longer! After 8 years, you'd think some patience would have worked its way into my blood, but oh well.

I feel like I literally cannot focus for 2 straight minutes to write anything here, so this is where I'll end the post. Stay tuned as time gets closer to the meeting....

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Waiting...

Two weeks ago, I spoke with an Orthodox rabbi from Miami who said he will help me with the info I need to start the conversion process. Unfortunately, he is currently in NY and, though he emailed me and said he'd be in touch, I'm still waiting for him to send me "the packet". Now, maybe someone else out there knows what a packet is, but my guess it's the syllabus he told me about that details what they expect out of a potential convert. Let the stomach butterflies begin.

I just might be developing OCD, as I'm checking my email so often it's hardly laughable. In the meanwhile, I'm spending a lot of time on Chabad.org watching videos and reading articles. I'm also getting frustrated about my kitchen - we have 2 sets of dishes, but only one microwave, stove/oven, and sink. I do my very best to separate everything but am afraid along the way everything has become a mixed up mess, thanks to my husband and guests. Anyway, everything will have to be re-kashered and possibly repurchased as we had been eating regular meat. Yes, one more step I want to work on is buying kosher meat. It wasn't until last week that I even knew where to find kosher meat in Orlando. Sometimes, I *really* miss living in South Florida. Everywhere you go, you see Jewish people, Jewish delis and eateries...and let's not begin to mention how much I miss the shawarma.

The other night, I had a mini-breakthrough with my husband. He's a very smart, independent person who likes to do things for himself. This is the reason he's having a difficult time with the idea of having to live a more strict, Jewish lifestyle. The thought of imposed rules has him wanting to run for the hills. My strategy is to simply do things on my own -learning, studying, kosher cooking, etc.- and I know that, in time, he'll want to follow. The problem is, he has had a lot of negative experiences with the Orthodox Jews. My husband hasn't had an easy life, as he and his family were immigrants to Israel and were not treated kindly (which I find to be incredibly sad and disappointing). Israel is also a very difficult place to work and be financially stable. Because of this and other various things, my husband grew up not feeling that Orthodox Judaism was a good way of life for him. He didn't like the sheltered aspect of it, the hypocrisy he witnessed, and first-hand issues he experienced (for example, he was once kicked out of a synagogue as a teenager because he didn't have money to pay for the service. It was Yom Kippur, and the rabbi yelled at him and forced him out).

Back to the mini-breakthrough. During a short discussion in the car, I kindly brought it up to my husband that there are always going to be people who do wrong by their religion, but it doesn't mean that there aren't genuinely good people out there who practice what they preach. (I personally would have no interest in becoming Jewish if I didn't intend on being a GOOD Jew. My husband finally admitted that he was afraid that the rabbis would want him to become ultra-Orthodox (peyos, hats, suits, the whole shebang) and he just couldn't do it. Personally, I don't think that will happen as he is already Jewish, however, he will definitely need to begin keeping Shabbat, praying more often, keeping kosher, etc.

I'm getting distracted by my doggy, so sorry this post has been a bit rambling and disorganized. Time to get off the computer and take a trip to the grocery store to restock the kitchen. A friend of my husband's is staying with us and I'd underestimated what it takes to feed two full-grown men!

Have a great day everyone!