Momentary Defeat

Today I got a call from my husband, who said that one of the rabbis from the Beit Din told him we will not be approved for the conversion unless we live in a community which has a daily minyan. This wouldn't ordinarily be an issue, except for the fact that 2 families in our future community are leaving - including the rabbi! We aren't sure if that will mean a daily minyan is possible. Right now, our future is at stake and, as we are doing it far apart from each other, the stresses are high on both ends. My husband is managing work, the house, the dog, bills, and everything else I used to do by himself.

And then there's me. I had a revelation today. While speaking to my grandma on the phone, it suddenly hit me that I am no longer playing music, not taking care of my family, not sleeping in my own bed, and generally have thrown anything remotely close to my old life out the window. Everything has been replaced by class, studying, and hiding out in my room. Or wandering aimlessly through my new town. Any way you look at it, I am DIFFERENT than I used to be. It's not just the religious aspect of it. I LOVE praying in the morning, going to class, and going to synagogue. Truly. It's just that without my own place and my husband, I feel a bit like a robot, programmed to convert and that is the sole mission. My goal is to find some kind of work - babysitting, part-time retail, whatever - just to get my mind off of all this stuff for a few hours a week. I can't have a meltdown this early in the game!

On a side note, something funny happened to me today. I was wearing one of my new scarves out today, trying to gauge how I would feel in non-synagogue areas. I was on the phone with my mom, spilling my guts about how lost I felt, when my eye caught the Starbucks that was inside the Target (of course I was in there, it's my guilty pleasure/obsession store). I went over and over in my head if I should buy something there, unsure if it was kosher or not (but guessing not), but did it anyway. I wanted a chocolate chunk cookie like nobody's business. So, I went to eat it, and the moment I was finished, I felt something tap my back. At first, I thought someone was behind me, but then quickly realized my scarf was coming unraveled! I ran to the bathroom to fix it, and all the while got curious stares from the women coming in and out.

Part of the reason I've decided to wear the scarf again today was that I felt it would be a push in the direction to stay away from non-kosher places. Like any normal, depressed girl, sometimes you just want to eat something bad for you. Because I am literally surrounded my Jewish people in this area, I put the scarf on purpose today because I could never imagine what another religious Jew might think if they saw me walk into a regular eating establishment. So, as if it were some kind of colossal joke, after I was done eating my cookie, my scarf tumbled down. Curious.